it s good newsWhisky Portrait
prisoner ben is going to be
let out of his crate
after 34 years

to be honest
i don t understand why
prisoner ben has been
in his crate for so long
he had an accident
when he was a puppy
a long time ago
but i also had accidents
when i was a puppy
i poo d on the staircase
but master didn t put me
in my crate
he just cleaned up the mess
and kept a closer eye on me
wouldn t it have been better
if that s what had happened
to prison ben



it s been agesWhisky Portrait
since master gave me
any of what used to be
my favourite snack
hose pipe connectors
now he has bought me
a whole tub of something
even more delicious
i found it by
the washing machine

Basket of clothespegs

hose pipe connectors are green
which i think means they re
frog flavoured
not that they taste like
real frog to me
probably made with
artifical frog flavouring
essence de grenouille

these new snacks come
in all sorts of flavours
here are some i chewed earlier

Whisky-chewed clothes pegs

irresistibly good


a few days ago
master had opened the door
slightly to let me go out
something distracted me
and i turned my head
and hit my head hard
on the metal shoe cabinet
by the door
master wasn t sympathetic
he said i should be more careful
to preserve
what little brains i have
it made a loud bang
at the time
one of master s friends
was peeing in the downstairs toilet
he was startled
and peed all over his leg
i thought that was very funny
because i often do that
you see
it s very difficult
to pee straight
when you re standing on three legs
with one leg cocked in the air
to be honest
i have absolutely no idea
how master manages to pee
without spraying everywhere
standing on just two legs



[Uzi submachine gun]According to the newspapers this morning, a Thai senator has “accidentally” killed his secretary. It seems that the two of them were having dinner in a restaurant. Whilst they were waiting for food the senator’s 9 mm Uzi submachine gun capable of firing 600 rounds per minute “accidentally” went off, shooting his secretary in the stomach. She died shortly afterwards.

What sort of person takes a loaded submachine gun to a restaurant? For that matter, what sort of private individual even owns a submachine gun?

Fortunately for the senator, he has parliamentary privilege, so won’t be arrested for his “accident”.


I can’t say that I’m particularly interested in the bloated sportsday that’s known as the Olympics, though I did see a few bits of the opening ceremony. Danny Boyle was undoubtedly the right man to create the spectacle – after all, his most famous movie, Trainspotting, shared the same theme as the Olympics: tracksuit-clad young adults pumped full of illegal drugs.

I did stumble across a comment that Britain had won 12 gold medals to date on a blog I follow. Apparently, this was rather unexpected at this stage of the jamboree. I therefore thought it would be interesting to compare Britain’s medal count with countries of similar population sizes. The following table shows the current medal tallies for Britain and the three immediately larger and smaller countries.

Country Population Gold Medals Silver Medals Bronze Medals Total Medals
Democratic Republic of the Congo 69,575,000 0 0 0 0
Thailand 65.479.453 0 1 0 1
France 65,350,000 8 8 9 25
Great Britain   62,262,000 16 11 10 37 
Italy 60,813,326 6 5 3 14
South Africa 50,586,757 3 1 0 4
Myanmar 48,724,000 0 0 0 0

So, they you have it: Britain has won significantly more medals than any other country of similar size – conclusive evidence that far too much money is being wasted on sport in the UK in the pursuit of meaningless gewgaws. What a national disgrace! And particularly so in these difficult economic times.

Whilst I rarely agree with the policies of the UK Conservative party, it is at least gratifying that they are designed to combat the harm that sport is doing to the country – policies such as selling off school playing fields to developers and closing down local sports facilities and swimming pools. In time these policies will have the positive effect of reducing wasteful expenditure on sports in the UK, and will also have the added benefit, one hopes, of putting out of work the psychopathic bullies who work in so many schools in the UK under the label “sports master”.