Thailand’s hopelessly misguided rice pledging scheme has lead to a stockpile of more than 12 million tonnes of ludicrously overpriced rice, much of it of poor quality and decaying, which nobody wants to buy. The nation’s rice warehouses are full to overflowing, yet still the government pledges to take every single, last grain of rice produced by the nation’s farmers. This led to a rather dark joke about the situation.

Japan’s Prime Minister Abe visits Thailand. He sees a vast mountain of rice and exclaims:

“Wow! You have a Mount Fuji in Thailand. And snow, too!”

To which Prime Minister Yingluck replies:

“It’s not Mount Fuji, it’s Mount Rice-Pledging Scheme. And it’s not snow on the top. It’s just the rice that hasn’t gone rotten yet.”


The government announced some months ago that it would be phasing out 91 octane petrol in favour of gasohol, and finally that has come to pass. The petrol pumps are running dry, and soon only gasohol will be available.

The government didn’t consider the growing body of evidence that using gasohol damages car engines, leading to high motor repair costs in the longer term. Instead they dreamt up some sort of rationalisation for getting rid of petrol – something to do with balance of trade or the environment, or something. The cynic in me, however, makes me wonder which person (or persons) of influence is now making vast profits producing bioethanol which is now being thrust down the throats (so to speak) of unwilling consumers.


well a few days ago Whisky Portraitafter dinner i decided
to pop out and patrol
the garden
just to make sure no frogs
had sneaked in

much to my surprise
there was something interesting
under the shoe cabinet
master had a quick look
but didn t notice anything unusual
and went back inside
should have worn his glasses
there was a snake
all twisted up under there

it wasn t like the
long green water snake
that helps master wash the car
this one was much shorter
a little less than half a metre
and very thin
and it wasn t green but dark coloured

i thought it might be fun
to play with the snake
but it wasn t very interested
in fact it quickly slithered
under the car
i kept trying to encourage it
to come and have some fun
by poking my nose under the car
no dice

then master came out
he was very upset
i think he really wanted
to play with the snake himself
he shouted at me to go in
but why should I
i saw the snake first

then he got the broom
and pushed me away
that was so unfair
and then after that
he didn t even
play with the snake

selfish master


master says i m very willful
and why shouldn t i be

when he tells me to sit
does he think i like
to put my bottom
on the cold floor

and anyway its fun
winding him up
by pretending not to
understand what he says

yesterday he wanted
to tie me up whilst
he took the car out
but i was chewing
a dried up old stem of strelitzia

oh that sweet sweet strelitzia

anyway every time he got close
i ran away

it was quite funny
to see master lumbering around
trying to catch me
his face getting redder
and redder

in the end i compromised
before master had a heart attack
i trotted to the front door
carrying my prized strelitzia stem
sat down and let him tie me up

unfortunately there s almost
no strelitzia left now
i don t know what i ll do
when its all gone



earlier master was playingWhisky Portrait
with the long green water snake
i call it that because
it s long
it s green
and when master squeezes its head
water comes out

and it looks like a snake

first master squeezed the snake
so that the water fell into a bucket
and became all frothy and delicious
i love licking up
the white foamy stuff
both from the bucket
and from the floor
when it spills over

even better is the sponge
which master puts in the bucket

when his back is turned
i snatch it from the bucket
and run away with it
but every time he chases after me
not fair
why should master have the sponge
and not me

master also makes the
long green water snake
squirt water all over his car
i don t know why he does this
i love sniffing the wheel arches
for the delicious aromas
of all the dead things
he s run over

perhaps he does it
because the wheel arch is full
and he needs to make space
for more tasty smells


i love stinky things

so does master

he loves blue cheese
and anchovies
and so do i

but for some reason
master doesn t like stinky bones

perhaps that s why he gives me
all of them

he gave me an extra large
stinky bone for new year

but whilst he s allowed
to eat his stinky food inside the house
he gets most upset
when i try to bring
a stinky bone in
for him to share


dragged master past the house
with five pomeranians yesterday
only to be horrified to see
that now there are six of them

what s going on

i just hope it s
a pomeranian deportation centre
far too many of them here already


and speaking of pomeranians
there s a particularly mad
white one that lives on the corner

there s a gap in the fence
which has been covered with
a sheet of plastic to stop its fleeing

every time i go past
i heard the sound of its skull
bashing against the plastic

it s rather a hollow sound

anyway this time
the plastic had slipped
and the pomeranian escaped
albeit whilst half ripping off
its stupid looking jacket
it stood there
a few metres away from me
half clad
barking senselessly

can a pomeranian bark any other way

i wanted to go over there
and give it a little bit
of friendly advice
such as

that tartan really isn t your colour


you really should do up those buttons
might catch a cold


wouldn t you be happier
back in pomerania

but for some reason
master wouldn t let me
and thought we should go
and sniff some doggy poo
on some nearby grass

well if that s what master wants
i m game



Well, I was pootling along in the old jalopy when I decided to turn on the wireless, only for my ears to be assailed by the latest musical stylings of the popular beat combo that passes by the name of “The Ting Tings”. Sadly, long gone are the days when the aether was but the sole preserve of long-dead, white, European males with at least a modicum of musical talent. The libretto of The Ting Tings’ oeuvre appears to be somewhat limited both in linguistic scope and in variety. To wit:

“And the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums.”

Yet it took me but a moment to realise that this was a heart-felt tribute to the works of the late, great Victor Hugo*. Perhaps yet not all hope is lost for society.

*And before anyone corrects me, I know that Quasimodo never actually cried “The bells, the bells!” – not even in the 1939 Charles Laughton film.