last weekend he took me to get a shower
i really didn t enjoy the experience at all
it started badly with a lady
putting a muzzle on me
i thought one of the pleasures
of going to a beauty salon was
to chat with the person washing your hair
it got worse after that
i mean i ve spent days
rolling around in the dirt
trying to smell good for the ladies
and now i smell like cheap perfume
and they didn t let me shake the water off
like a proper dog
no i had to be blow dried
the noise from the machine was terrible
my master thought i was trembling out of terror
no it was out of rage and indignation honestly
i don t think i ll be going back there again

i ve decided that im going to sleep downstairs
in my crate
i just couldn t abide my master s snoring
how was i supposed to think
with that racket going on
as i padded around the bedroom
in the middle of the night
looking for something nice to chew
i made sure i woke him up
when the noise got too bad
i m sure that snoring can t be good for you
so i was doing him a favour

i really love my master
but sometimes he can be so ungrateful
a couple of days ago i found
this really nice dead plant
in the garden
so i pulled it from the ground roots and all
and brought it inside to give to him as a present
it left a pretty trail of dirt
all across the sitting room floor
and there was still some dirt left
for when i dragged it up onto the sofa
now i know im not usually allowed on the sofa
but this was a special occasion
i was giving my master a beautiful weed
i don t think my master appreciated my gift
he threw it out and swept up all the soil
he even washed the sofa cushion covers
what an ingrate

anyway it s been five minutes
since my last snooze and all this
one pawed typing is tiring
so i m off for a nice long lie down