why do i have to
sit on the floor
when master sits on the sofa
and why do i have to
sleep in a crate
when master sleeps on a nice big bed

why does he inflict baths on me
for that matter
why does he shower
several times a day
just as i think i m smelling great
he dumps me in a tub
and covers me with lather
it takes a lot of rolling
in smelly things
to get your aroma just right

why does he cut my claws
i spend a lot of time and effort
making my nails grow
then he hacks them off
it s just wrong

why does he close the toilet lid
doesn t he understand
that the pretty blue water there
is delicious and cool
so much nicer that the stuff
he puts in my bowl
i feel sorry for little dogs
like that noisy pomeranian that
can never experience the true delight
of quaffing deeply from the loo

why doesn t he share his
food with me
we re both part of the same pack
i m happy to share my crunchy
dog food with him
he should share his steak
and chicken
and pork
and beef
and everything
with me

why does he tell me not to bark
when i see the postman
this man comes every day
and every day i dutifully scare him off
how can i do this if i m not allowed to bark

why when we go walkies
does he hold me back on a leash
if he can t keep up with me
and he is getting on a bit
he shouldn t use a leash

why does he tell me
to hurry up
when i do my business
doesn t he understand that
there s a fine art in locating
the perfect spots to pee and poo
it s essential to sniff around a lot
before you go
you can t go just anywhere

i work hard
protecting the world from
frogs and postmen
and licking things
i don t think master
is treating me very fairly