master thinks i look cute Whisky Portrait
with a bucket on my head
he says it s not really a bucket
it s called an elizabethan collar
and that it makes me
look like an old fashioned
gentleman s dog
i m nobody s dog
i was born free
and i live free
as pierre-joseph proudhon s
dog probably said

any man who lays his hand
on my collar to control me
is an usurper and tyrant
and i declare him my enemy

but let me go back to the beginning

it all started on saturday morning
silly master forgot to feed me
so i went out and killed
a baby sparrow
master saw what i d done
and wouldn t let me eat it
he s so mean sometimes
anyway i forgave him
when he told me
we were going to go
for a car ride

the ride was fun
i like sticking my head
out of the window and
watching the world pass by
but when we got to our destination
i was less happy
it was the vet
that nasty person was going
to stick needles in me again
i just knew it

anyway despite my best efforts
to get away
they caught me and stuck me
suddenly i began to feel
rather strange
i felt rather sick
master held a bucket under my head
but i still managed to
vomit on the floor
after all a dog is supposed
to return to its own vomit
i read that in the bible
if i d vomitted in the bucket
i bet mean master
would have taken it away

then i fell asleep

when i woke up i felt terrible
all groggy
and somehow i felt rather lighter
down there
i thought it was an urban legend
that people got drugged
and woke up in a bathtub
with both of their kidneys missing
but something like that
has happened to me
i should report it to a police dog
but thai police dogs
sometimes won t do anything
unless you bribe them with
a stinky bone or something

despite not having had breakfast
i really didn t feel much like eating
though master cooked me all my favourites

in fact
with a bucket on your head
eating isn t easy

apparently i m going to
have to wear this bucket
for more than a week
i do hope master
is going to carry on
giving me special food
for all this time though

because the bucket is so big
i can t get into my crate
so i have to sleep on the floor
i d really like to go upstairs
in the middle of the night
to check that master is ok
and make sure that no frogs
have crept into the house
but i can t get up the stairs
with this bucket on my head

you may be safe for now
but once the bucket comes off



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