when i take masterWhisky Portrait
out for a drag
i get to meet the neighbours
i can broadly divide them
into friends and enemies

my arch enemy of course
is pocky
the whore for whiskytreats
though i do feel a bit
sorry for her
she s younger than me
and seems very sad and lonely
her master never plays with her
and she s never allowed
to take her master
out for a drag
that s probably why
she comes to the fence
whenever master goes outside
and why she likes to lick
my master s hand
when he goes to stroke her

pocky lives with two other dogs
they don t come to the fence
but when i m out for a drag
and walk past their gate
they rush to and fro
which doesn t seem
very friendly to me

a little further down the street
is a miniature hush puppy dog
he s very old
he ll walk slowly to the gate
wagging his tail
with a surprising vigour
we ll rub noses for a bit
and then he ll lift his leg
and pee over the gate
i respond in kind by
peeing over the nearest bush
i think of him as an old friend

i m a bit wary of my gay stalker
i still see him
from time to time
and let him sniff my butt
as i sniff his
i guess i d call him a friend

near the entrance to the moobaan
there s a siberian husky
who i think also might be gay
he wears a decorated collar
with a little bell around his neck
very chi chi
and obviously spends hours
blow drying his fur
to make it particularly bouffant
he s very friendly though
and often moves from
lying in front of his personal fan
to say hello at the front gate

next door is a golden retriever
with what seems to be
a terrible case of oedema
he s so large
he can barely drag himself
to his feet
let alone walk
and he can barely bark
i guess he must feel bad
that he can t protect his master
against the frogs
it s very sad

and in the next house
there are three dogs which
bark and snarl as i pass
frantically trying to force their way
between the bars of the gate
definitely enemies
i just ignore them
there are quite a few
similar dogs around

even worse is the pomeranians
they re everywhere
in fact
i think there are probably
more pomeranians on my patch
than there are in pomerania
the house on the corner
has three of them
and they follow me
from the other side of the fence
the full length of their garden
yapping and baring their teeth

actually a lot of the dogs are foreign
what with the pomeranians from pomerania
the dalmations from croatia
the labradors from canada
the lion dog from china
and there s a little ball of
fuzzy black fluff
so i guess he s probably from africa

i m pretty sure that
they re all illegal immigrants
after all master tells me
hes never seen them signing in
at the immigration department
in fact i might be
the only proper thai dog here

some people think these dogs
who come over here
and steal ours doggie jobs
are in some way high class
well they re wrong
the ones that bark at me
so rudely
obviously don t know
who i am
they don t even recognise
one of the world s greatest living artists
only a lowbrow philistine
wouldn t know about art

i believe elvis presley
sang about dogs like these
which begins

you ain t nothing but a hound dog
barking all the time

it concludes

when they said you was high classed
well that was just a lie
when they said you was high classed
well that was just a lie
well you ain t ever caught a frog
and you ain t no friend of mine



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