master went to london Whisky Portrait
and all he got me
were these lousy treats

Beef and venison doggy treats

but to begin at the beginning

it all started four weeks ago
master disappeared
i was very worried
i thought the frogs might have got him
i always thought it wasn t safe
for master to go out alone
with so many dangerous frogs around

after a few days
i assumed the worst
that he was dead

imagine my surprise then
when he reappeared
earlier this week

at least
it looked like him
albeit a few pounds heavier
and smelled like him
that unmistakable mix
of sweat and desperation

of course
i couldn't be sure

perhaps the frogs had
hollowed out his body
and were using his skin
as a sort of trojan horse

i did try to act natural
and wagged my tail a bit
to fool any trojan frogs
but i was wary

i kept close watch on master
for the rest of the day

to be honest i was wary
about turning my back on him
lest the trojan frogs
burst out and attack
but when it came to bed time
i decided to give him a test

i rolled over onto my back
to let him rub my tummy
aah yes
nobody gives tummy rubs
quite like master
it had to be he

it seems that master
went on holiday to england

he d brought me
some beef and venison snacks
as a present

frankly i m a little bit disappointed
yes i ve heard of
the roast beef of old england
but i d have preferred
something more interesting
such as fish and chip snacks
or something with a royal connection

i understand that
the queen of england likes corgis
so some spit roasted corgi flavour treats
would have been far better

still i can t be too mad at master
it s nice to have him home again


sometimes things happen
that are so horrifying
that in a nicer world
they d only happen in
one s worst doggy dreams

yesterday evening i was
taking master for a drag
when i passed a house
with a couple of cars
parked in the drive
suddenly from between the cars
emerged a pomeranian
i was disturbed because
i d never seen a pomeranian
at that house before

then a second one emerged

and a third

in all there were five of them
each loudly yapping and snapping
baring its teeth

only in one s worst nightmares
should such a thing be even possible



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