it s an outrageWhisky Portrait
an absolute outrage
i tell you
master feeding my whiskyfood
to the neighbours dog
and giving whiskywater
from my bowl no less
and feeding him whiskytreats
but let me begin at the beginning

i d taken master out
for his afternoon drag
when i got back home
i saw that one of the neighbours
dogs had escaped
a pale coloured siberian husky
i knew she was all
fur coat and no balls
so i tried to chase her away
but master was holding
my leash too tightly
next thing i knew
master was picking me up
and locking me in the house
i tried to break down
the front door
but it was too strong
master then let the husky play
in the garden
and eat my whiskyfood
whilst i was locked inside

to make matters worse
master kept going on about
what a beautiful dog she is
and what lovely soft fur she has
he knows i m sensitive
about my fur
because it s still
falling out in handfuls
soon i could be as bald as master
that would be terrible
the vet thinks it s because
i ve got a vitamin deficiency
and says i should be fed
royal canin dog food
but master says it s very expensive
and he doesn t understand
how increasing the vet s profits
will cure my condition

anyway the security guard
phoned the neighbours mobile phone
and the family drove back
to collect their dog
but i m not going to
forgive master in a hurry

whisky

[594]

A friend of mine, a committed, caring professional, has recently come under attack by a seemingly deranged woman who has written a number of blog posts which attack him and his work, despite the fact that the woman concerned has never even met him. Naturally he’s been concerned that her baseless accusations will affect his reputation and livelihood. It’s particularly unfortunate that searching for his name (and he has a very distinctive surname) on Google brings up her hate pages in positions 2, 3 and 4. Hurtful as the situation is, my advice to him was to do nothing; any attempt at publicity will only fuel the situation.

***

Until a couple of days ago I’d never heard of Caroline Spelman or her teenage, rugby-playing son, Jonny. However, she applied for a superinjunction to prevent any publication of details of her son’s bad behaviour. That application failed, but she did obtain a common-or-garden injunction which has prevented the British press from publishing details of what happened. Naturally I was curious. Information is hard to come by about what Jonny did, though the suggestion appears to be that he had sex with an underage girl, which is rather embarrassing for his mother, given that she’s a government minister in “the party of family values”. No doubt the dinner party set in Hampstead knows the ins-and-outs of his tiny peccadillo, but it’s not something for us little people to know about.

***

Sometimes I want to write on my blog about a particular subject, but hold myself back. The recent failed terrorist attack in Bangkok is a case in point. Because the would-be bombers were Moslem and because the planned attack was seemingly motivated by a religiously inspired hatred of Jews I stayed my pen. Had the attackers been inspired by Christian, Buddhist, Hindu or Zoroastrian extremism I am pretty certain that I would have written something, but we’ve been conditioned to treat matters relating to The Religion of Peace with kid gloves.

***

It’s a pity (for him) that Hazma Kashgari wasn’t a little more cautious when he tweeted, referring to Islam’s prophet:

“I have loved things about you and I have hated things about you and there is a lot I don’t understand about you … I will not pray for you”.

It’s now a distinct possibility that his head will be severed from his shoulders by the authorities in Saudi Arabia. (I rather doubt they got Interpol involved to get him deported from Malaysia just so they could have a prolonged philosophical discussion with him about his theological doubts.)

In all religion there’s a lot not to believe. I no more believe that Jesus walked on water than that Mohammed had a magic flying donkey. I equally doubt that Sidartha Gautama was able to walk from the moment he was born and that lotus blossoms grew from where his feet touched the ground. I also doubt the powers of The Flying Spaghetti Monster’s noodly appendages, and that Haile Selassie is a god. I’m also pretty sure that a monkey army from India didn’t invade Sri Lanka. (The only army of monkeys I believe in was in The Wizard of Oz – and they flew.)

I can well believe that for a thinking Moslem the fact that their prophet, supposedly the perfect man, had sex with a nine year old girl, and that he ordered the execution of several hundred Jews at Qurayza, and … well, there’s a lot more … might be a bit of a problem. Frankly, I’m not surprised that the 23 year old Kashgari is confused about his prophet. I think in the same circumstances I would be too – though I’d rather not to lose my head over it.

[593]

There was a news story that caused me to draw me up short. It concerned a woman who had tried to steal from a donation box at Wat Kasattrathirat Worawihan in Ayutthaya. It’s a temple I know well; I used regularly to drive through it on the way to a favourite riverside restaurant. The shock, however, wasn’t so much the crime, but the woman’s circumstances. Her husband had left her. She had lost her job due to the flooding. And she was seven months pregnant – so no one would employ her and she had looming medical bills. She also has a ten year old son to look after.

It made me think of the old woman in a cheap polyester dress who used to scavenge through the dustbins at my moobaan in Ayutthaya. It made me think of the mentally ill man, skin grained black with dirt with long, matted hair, who wanders along Sukhumwit Road wearing home-made trousers – nothing more than a couple of rubber flaps tied together – with his behind hanging out. It made me think of the couple, clad in rags, who sat outside 7-eleven begging day in, day out.

There is no state provision here to care for the most desperately needy in society. If you don’t have family to fall back on. If you can’t root your way through garbage to find plastic bottles and paper to sell. If you have nothing, then robbing a donation box might be your only option.

The woman was caught red-handed. The temple’s abbot, with true Buddhist compassion, decided to let her go free.

But still, like the poorest and most vulnerable in society, she’s still living without any safety net.

***

It’s not only Thais who can end up in dire straights. There are at least two westerners living on the streets of Bangkok. One is clearly mentally ill and has long, rambling conversations with himself. The other lives under a pedestrian overpass, though somehow manages to scrape enough money together for beer and cigarettes. And there’s an elderly gentleman who has senile dementia. His wife and family have found his increasingly cantankerous attitude unbearable and have abandoned him. He lives alone in an apartment, unable to care for himself.

Needless to say, the embassies of the countries these people are nationals of have done nothing to help.

***

Coming from Europe, where everyone has a right to be looked after, from cradle to grave, I find the lack of any social support rather shocking; there it’s a given that you’ll have free access to medical treatment, free education and some sort of state-provided income if jobless. Surely the way a society looks after its weakest and most vulnerable is its true measure. Perhaps if I’d been born American I’d have a different viewpoint, given that in the world’s richest country it’s still possible for people to die for lack of access to medical treatment and millions go to bed hungry*, a place where 38% of Negro children and 35% of Hispanic children live in poverty**. Still, you wouldn’t want the obscenely wealthy there to pay a little more in taxes to help the poorest and most desperate in society. That would be socialism.

* In 2010 14.5% of Americans were food-insecure at some time during the year. Source: http://www.ers.usda.gov/Publications/ERR125/
** Source: http://www.npc.umich.edu/poverty/

[592]

i d been having doubts Whisky Portrait
about my being the dog
who lays the golden poo
after all i ve never seen
master polishing away
then it hit me
master s a pure finder

he s been stealing my poo
and selling it to tanyards
for a shilling a pail
so they can make
leather book bindings
and gloves

where s my cut
after all i do all the hard work
squeezing it out

well i ve had enough
i m going to
cut out the middle man
i m going to
find myself a bucket
and poo in it
then i ll pick it up
by the handle and
trot to the tanyard

anyone know where the nearest tanyard is

whisky


[591]

In Thailand it’s not unusual to see children working in restaurants – some looking as young as 4 or 5. They, presumably sons and daughters of the owners and staff, take orders and deliver food, sometimes late into the night. Not a great situation, but far worse happens behind the doors of garment factories and seafood processing plants. It’s not unusual for 11 and 12 year olds to be working 12 or more hours a day. (That’s below legal minimum working age of 13 – but enforcement of the law is lax.)

Thailand is on a US watchlist because of its child labour situation. The government’s response has been to draft a list of dangerous work. It includes:

  • Working night shifts between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m..
  • Working in a slaughterhouse
  • Working on scaffolding above 10 metres. (It’s apparently OK for a child to fall from 9 metres as it will bounce.)
  • Working on a fishing trawler

It’s rather horrific to think that there must be children doing these things if the government needs to include them on a list – not that the list will make any difference to these children’s lives whatsoever. (Living in Thailand makes one very cynical about the police when it comes to suppressing crime. They’re excellent at running illegal gambling dens, taking bribes, and extorting money, though.)

What is rather strange, though, is that the Thai government appears to be concerned about what the American government thinks. After all, the Prime Minister last month appointed Nalinee Taveesin to the Cabinet, even though she is subject to US sanctions for facilitating gem trading, real estate transactions and financial transactions for the Mugabe regime.

[590]

yikesWhisky Portrait
i m being stalked by a gay dog

it all started yesterday
during my afternoon constitutional

i met a miniature poodle in the street
we exchanged the usual pleasantries
we rubbed noses a bit
then i sniffed his bottom
and he sniffed mine

i think he must have misunderstood
my civilities or perhaps
was thrown by my rakish good looks

a little later the love besotted creature
turned up in my garden
he d squeezed in through the railings

master realised i was being hounded
by the rogue hound
so he picked him up and
he peed on him
that is to say
the poodle peed though i d
have been more impressed if master
had peed on the poodle

anyway
master phoned security
it seems this crazy canine is notorious
for roaming the streets

unfortunately the dog s master
wasn t at home
so i had to go to sleep
by the front door
with my psycho stalker
on the other side
images of jack nicholson
in the shining
haunted my doggy dreams

and when i work this morning
the deranged dog
was still there

i guess i now know how
jodie foster felt

whisky

[589]

master was cross with me
because of what i ve done
to his strelitzia

Strelitzia

it s not my fault
i thought i saw a frog in there

anyway he still loves me
and brings me tasty treats

Hose Connector

this is what they look like
after i ve chewed them.

Tasty Snack

delicious

whisky


[586]

“Behold I [God] will bring the waters of a great flood upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, under heaven. All things that are in the earth shall be consumed.”
                 – Genesis 6:16

That’s how floods happen, right? God gets angry. There’s a lot of rain. Flood happens. Well, not in Thailand. In fact, the rainfall last year was only marginally greater than usual. The catastrophic flooding was more caused by man’s greed than the hand of God.

The primary cause of the flooding was the mismanagement of water levels in major dams on rivers running south through the central plains. Water was held back so that fields downstream would remain dry so that rice farmers could make their third harvest of the year. This meant that the dams filled up to capacity and beyond. It was only mid-October when the massive Bhumibol dam was full to the brim. So when the rain kept coming, there was no option other than to let the water flow unconstrained down river.

What should have happened next is that excess water should have been redirected to low lying land – so-called “monkey cheeks”. However, much of this land is used for farming, and farmers don’t particularly like having their crops ruined. Influential people who depend upon farmers’ votes for their lucrative positions ensured that the sluice gates on their home turf remained firmly closed. It has been said that in Suphanburi province the MP personally holds all the sluice gate keys, and that not a single sluice gate was opened in his constituency.

So, farmers crops were spared – crops estimated to be worth about $95 million – at the cost of the devastation of seven major industrial estates – damage estimated at over $31 trillion – yes, trillion! And that’s not even counting the cost to the millions of people whose homes were flooded or small businesses ruined.

When the flood water reached Bangkok it was managed with what looks like ineptitude. But then the Flood Relief Operation Centre was manned by political cronies of the government, rather than by experts in water and disaster management. (They couldn’t even chose a dry spot for their offices, and were quickly flooded and had to be relocated.) Many mistakes were made in the opening and closing of sluice gates around Bangkok. And things weren’t made any better by angry residents forcibly opening gates so that their homes could be drained a little sooner at the expense of those living elsewhere.

Lack of building planning is another contributing factor. For example, before Suvarnabhumi airport was built the area acted as both a sponge (the original name for the area translates as “Cobra Swamp”) and a floodway to the sea. Now the water has nowhere to go. Industrial estates, housing estates and roads have all blocked the ways for water to drain.

Bangkok’s klongs have largely fallen into a state of disrepair. Local residents use them to dispose of their rubbish (and the stench from them can be unbearable) plus they are rarely dredged. To make matters worse, people have built homes at the sides of klongs, stealing part of the waterway and narrowing the klong. In at least one case an entire klong has “disappeared” after being filled in and built over.

***

So there it is, a sad litany of greed, selfishness and incompetence. Still, surely lessons have been learned, so this won’t happen again? Well, it seems not. The Bumibhol dam is still 91% full and experts are warning that this is far too high for this time of year, with the rainy season just around the corner. I guess I won’t be putting the waterwings away just yet.

[585]

i have often wondered why Whisky Portrait
master always picks up
my poo and keeps it in a bag
anyway last night
master was reading me
a fairy story about a goose
that laid golden eggs
suddenly it clicked
i must be

the dog that lays the golden poos

funny thing is though
that they don t look
very shiny
i guess master must spend
a lot of time polishing them
when i m not looking

whisky


[584]

13 Jan – American embassy announces ‘’foreign terrorists may be currently looking to conduct attacks against tourist areas in Bangkok in the near future.’’

13 Jan – Hezbollah terrorist arrested in Bangkok

15 Jan – Deputy Prime Minister Kowit Wattana said “ the situation is under control”

16 Jan – Kowit further adds “The government can take care of people’s security and they need not be concerned about the terrorist warning issued by several foreign countries.”

16 Jan – Police discover more than 4 tonnes of explosive material just outside Bangkok in a space rented by the Hezbollah terrorist.

It’s being reported in the Israeli press (and it was the Israelis that uncovered the plot) that the intention was to launch two attacks, one on Khao San Road – an area very popular with backpackers – and on a Jewish centre. The Thai language press reports that the terrorist had in place two large trucks to transport the explosive. However, the Thai police line is that the explosives were to be sent to other countries, simply making Bangkok a hub of international terrorism – so that’s OK, then. And we really don’t need to worry about the rest of the gang who are presumably still at large.

A couple of unanswered questions:

(1) If the US embassy hadn’t gone public, would the Thai authorities have done anything? (They’d already been informed of the threat by the Americans several weeks ago.)

(2) The US embassy is refusing to retract its warning of an imminent terrorist attack, despite the Thai PM’s request. What do the Americans know?

[583]