It appears that Whisky wasn’t paying attention during poise and deportment class.
[619]
It’s well known that war is all about old men (or, as in the case of Mrs. Thatcher, old women) sending young men to die. And sometimes in war many young men – too many – die pointlessly because of the crass ineptitude of their leaders. However, even in peacetime that leadership can result in meaningless deaths.
Back in February 2010 I wrote about the GT200 bomb scanners that the army had purchased. They didn’t work at all. They were just a meaningless box of wires which performed no function whatsoever. If the salesman had claimed “nothing is better than the GT200” he’d have been right. Then the news about the devices dried up. I’d assumed that the GT200s had quietly been taken out of use. How wrong I was. The matter has recently resurfaced because of an investigation into the purchasing of the devices. (And it’s almost certainly not a matter of whether there was corruption involved or not, but rather the extent of the corruption.) The devices are still in use. Supreme Commander Thanasak Patimaprakorn is reported as saying recently
“[I] have seen the effectiveness of GT200 detectors in finding explosives.”
The Defence Minister, Sukumpol Suwanatat, backs him up
“The GT200 bomb detectors, which are used in the far South, do work and they have detected explosives many times.”
Of course, this is utter nonsense. As the Bangkok Post put it
“It is easy to understand why the military would be reluctant to give up the device. It is lightweight, very portable and it can be used from a distance, allowing the user to stay out of range of dangerous explosives. The only problem, of course, is that it doesn’t work.“
And so more young men are going to be senselessly blown to bits by the terrorists in the South because the old men in charge are either too stupid to understand the irrefutable evidence that the devices are completely useless, or have something to hide.
[618]
there was something rather strange
when i dragged master yesterday evening
i saw there was a frog
in the middle of the road
it looked like it was dead
of course i had to check it out
master was obviously afraid
and tried to drag me away from it
but i needed to be absolutely sure
it wasn t alive
frogs can be very devious you know
playing dead and all that
the strange thing was
that it was squashed flat
another strange thing was
it was outside the house with
too many pomeranians
though to be honest
even one pomeranian is too many
i m absolutely certain
that no pomeranian
has the finely honed skills
to be a frog killer
though possibly their incessant yapping
could send one deaf
it remains a mystery to me
***
master thinks he s quite clever
but there are a lot of things
he doesn t understand
for example he doesn t understand
why when he comes home
i have to pick up one of his sandals
run around a bit
and then drop it
and he doesn t understand why
i like to nose my way
through his laundry basket
and pick out a sock
which i ll carry around for a bit
in my mouth
he also doesn t understand why
i like to lick the chrome legs of his desk
he s also clueless as to why
i like to pick up one of his sandals
in my jaw
shake it vigorously for a few seconds
then toss it away
then he has no idea why
i like to grab sponges
from the kitchen worktop
or from the bucket
as he washes the car
and chew them to bits
he s also in the dark about why
i like to chew the wallpaper
off the wall
and he doesn t know why
i like to lick soap bubbles
and he doesn t know why
i love to chew hosepipe connectors
silly master
totally clueless
[617]
The Serious Fraud Office has (for the first time ever) had a change of heart and reopened its investigation into the Weavering Capital hedge fund fraud. This comes after a private court case against the odious Peterson and his band of thieving and/or incompetent allies in crime was concluded. The judge in her high court ruling shed a little light on what actually happened at Weavering:
The hedge fund was launched in 2003. Within less than three weeks it had lost almost 20% of its value. The following month Peterson entered into two OTC option transactions with another fund based in the Virgin Islands which he controlled, and backdated them to the previous month so that the fund appeared to have gained in value during the first month of trading. In other words, right from the outset Peterson chose to defraud investors.
During 2004 Peterson used the same deceit 13 times to cover monthly losses.
From 2005 switched to using swaps, rather than options, but basically continued the same fraud.
In 2009 the fund contained:
- some worthless bonds
- $40 million (net) options positions
- $600 million swaps with Peterson’s company
This portfolio doesn’t really match the fund’s original prospectus which claimed the fund:
- would construct a portfolio so as “to ensure a balanced and diversified risk profile”.
- would maintain a “rigorous” and “pro-active” approach to risk management “[i]n order to meet its commitment to capital appreciation”.
- would endeavour to adhere to investment restrictions, such that “no more than 20% of the value of the Gross Assets of the Company…is exposed to the creditworthiness or solvency of any one counterparty”.
- adhered to the principle of diversification in the use of derivatives.
Lies, all lies. And there were more lies:
“The majority of the securities we trade are exchange traded, therefore valuation is very simple – LIFFE valuations are taken…”,
“There is currently one fund managed by the firm”,
“Portfolio concentration in terms of amount of instruments and exposure bias…: All positions are expressed through futures and options. N/A”,
“List the instrument types you use by percentage: Options: 75%/Futures: 25%”,
“We could liquidate our portfolio within 1 day; due to our option protection we would protect the overall portfolio within the predefined max loss limits [predefined as 5%]”,
“As all our investments are exchange traded we never have any pricing discrepancies”,
“Please describe any current or potential conflict of interest, any relationships which may affect trading, trading flexibility, e.g. associated broker/dealer: N/A”,
“Are investors informed when minor/major changes are made to the trading, money management, or risk control methods? Yes.”
The judge described Peterson as “… not at all arrogant in manner but his whole attitude to investment was an arrogant one.” With this arrogance he didn’t try to conceal that the transactions were with a related company which also had “Weavering” in its name. He also chose very reputable companies to audit his work. He also didn’t profit from the fraud; he didn’t take any money out of the Virgin Island company. The judge concluded “[the fraud] … been committed out of a sense of invincibility, self-belief, and a gambler’s mentality.”
There’s a lot more detail in the judge’s judgment at:
http://www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWHC/Ch/2012/1480.html
As for the SFO, do I now consider them to be any less pusillanimous cowards? Absolutely not. I (and others) firmly believe that the only reason they’ve reopened their investigation is that if they hadn’t they’d have been taken to court by the administrators.
[616]
The island of Phuket is one of Thailand’s most popular tourist destinations. It’s also an over-priced, mafia-run hell hole.
One of the worst problems there is with transport. To get from the airport to your hotel or guesthouse you must use one of the mafia-controlled taxis – some licensed, others not, which charge an arm and a leg for a short trip (approximately six times what you’d pay in Bangkok). Then at your destination you’ll probably need to use a tuk-tuk if you want to explore, and that’ll be extortionate too. Hotels can’t provide a shuttle service and nobody is willing to incur the mafia’s displeasure by running a public bus service to and from the airport, or minivans between the different beaches. Not so long ago drivers blockaded the port so that ship passengers couldn’t be taken on private tours and had to use the mafia taxi service. They’ve also blockaded US warships for similar reasons. Curiously enough, taxis in Phuket have a special sticker, which is believed to show that they’ve paid their under-the-table dues to the local police.
Then there are the scams, the most popular of which is the jet ski scam. A tourist hires a jet ski without noticing that it is slightly damaged. Upon return he (or she) is charged a ridiculous amount to fix the “damage” the he is alleged to have caused. Going to the police does no good – they’re in on the scam, too. They’ll just tell you to pay up. And if you don’t, physical violence will be used, or guns drawn.
Then there are the dirty beaches, degraded natural areas, ugly, uncontrolled development and building upon supposedly protected land.
Add in the handbag snatchers and all the murders and rapes as well as the rather strange propensity for foreigners to go flying from their balconies and the police always deciding it’s suicide however much evidence there may be to the contrary, well Phuket isn’t a very pleasant place.
However, the Royal Thai Police have just come up with a brilliant scheme to improve Phuket’s image: a media blackout. Because of the blackout nobody is going to hear about the young Australian woman who was attacked outside her hotel a few days ago by a taxi driver who intended to drag her into his nearby cab and rape her. Thankfully a Japanese man saw what was happening and came to her aid, but we’re not supposed to know that either. On the plus side, the police have already arrested the would be rapist and he has confessed. The woman, it appears, is OK. The Japanese hero, however, needed 15 stitches to his face.
[615]
Thailand has long been associated with twins since the original Siamese twins were born in the early 19th century. I guess chosing names for them wasn’t too difficult. Their parents plumped for Chang and Eng. One couple, however, faced a bit more of a challenge. The woman gave birth to sextuplets – the first such multiple birth in Thailand. In the end they decided to name them after their favourite car brands, so now the world welcomes Audi, Fortune (after Fortuner – a large, ugly brand of pickup truck), Porsche, Mini, Volks (minus the “wagon” part) and Fiat. The children are now two months old, doing well, and all but one of them is out of hospital.
[614]
i d like to tell you about something that happened a few days ago
i call it
the curious incident of
the frog in the night time
it was late at night
i d already taken master for a drag
and he d fed me my whiskyfood
master had taken away my whiskybowls
and we were ready to retire
then i heard a strange noise outside
of course master didn t hear it
he s probably going deaf in his old age
i went to the door and stood there
thinking that master would notice
he did
but he pretended not to
then i started scratching at the door
master still ignored me
next i started barking
that got master s attention
master drew back the curtain
and looked out of the window
but still couldn t see
what the problem was
so he opened the door
i pushed past him
and quickly identified
that the problem was next door
pocky and the other two dogs that live with her
were clustered by their front gate
there was a strange mewing sound
that master thought was a kitten in distress
thinking that the next door dogs
had cornered a kitten
and were about to rip it to shreds
master tied me up
and went to have a closer look
what he found wasn t a kitten
but a small frog about 10 cm long
it was outside the gate
and just beyond pocky s reach
i dont think pocky knew what
terrible danger she was in
not all dogs have what it takes
to be a top frog killer like me
master then did something
either incredibly brave or incredibly foolish
he tapped the frog with his foot
it then hopped off into the bushes
he really should have come back
and got me
I m the expert in dealing with frogs
so anyway that s a new one on me
frogs pretending to be kittens in distress
to lure their prey
master had a lucky escape
***
while all this was happening
the new dog opposite was looking on
it s a golden retriever called het hom
het hom is thai for smelly mushroom
that s almost as ludicrous a name
for a dog as pocky
i don t like foetid fungus very much
he or she
i cant tell because of all that fur
has moved onto my patch
and sometimes is let out to poo
on my pavement
when i get a chance
i like to run across the road
and try to bite stinky shitakes muzzle
master doesn t approve of my doing this
for some reason
but then neither does putrid porcini
or his mistress
so now master ties me up
whenever he opens the front gate
that s so short sighted
what would happen if he were attacked
by a frog disguised as a kitten
i wouldn t be able to help him
p s master tells me that fragrant mushroom
is a better translation of het hom
and that it s the thai name for shitake
but het hom will always be smelly mushroom to me
whisky
[613]
It has always struck me as a little strange that Japanese dishes such as fish tempura and tonkatsu are often accompanied by a squirt of English mustard. Similarly, it seems to me odd that omurice is almost invariably topped with tomato ketchup. The Japanese have also adopted Worcestershire sauce, and a thicker variant of it is a mandatory accompaniment to tonkatsu. And then there’s mayonnaise. It is (of course) drizzled over salads, served as a dip with takoyaki, and no okonomiyaki would seem complete without it on top.
I struggled to think of any similar flow of Japanese – or, indeed, any oriental condiment – from East to West, with the possible exception of mushroom ketchup, which I believed originated in India. That said, it’s hardly a mainstream occidental accompaniment. I was therefore rather taken aback by a recent episode of Masterchef Australia. What happened was this…
One contestant was asked to select one of three condiments which must play a central role in the food they were to prepare. (Specifically they were asked to make “dude food” – a culinary category I hadn’t heard of before.) The three possible condiments were tomato ketchup, Thai chili sauce and Kewpie mayonnaise. The other contestants appeared universally delighted that it was to be the Japanese mayonnaise. It seems that Japanese mayonnaise has made it from Japan to Down Under.
Obviously, I’ve eaten Kewpie mayonnaise before. It’s smoother and sweeter than “true” mayonnaise. Occasionally I shop at a Japanese-owned supermarket here in Bangkok and take home a tub of potato salad and a ham sandwich which is liberally doused with the stuff (including an extra blob on the outside). It’s strangely addictive. I wondered why, and now I know…
Kewpie mayonnaise (the name coming from the abbreviation Q.P.) differs from classical mayonnaise in a number of respects. For example, it’s made only with egg yolks, rather than whole eggs, giving it a yellowish colour. It’s emulsified more than normal making it very smooth. The acid in it is a mixture of apple and rice vinegars. And … drum roll … it contains a heavy dose of MSG. No wonder it’s so more-ish and has started to take over the world! Everything tastes better with MSG – even “dude food”.
[612]
Sam Roi Yot, which translates as “Three Hundred Peaks” is a national park area about 4 hours drive south from Bangkok. It seemed like a pleasant place for a few days away from the big city – a place to breath in fresh air and relax – oh, and to eat incredibly well.
The drive down on Saturday morning was uneventful. Well, it was uneventful in the sense that I’m now so used to seeing Thai drivers taking break-taking risks with the lives of themselves and others that I’m pretty inured to the experience. Finding the hotel, however, proved a little problematical. I turned left after the statue of Jao Mae Guan Im (the Thai name for the female form of the bodhisattva Avalokiteśvara) as the hotel’s map indicated, but the hotel was nowhere in sight. Could there possibly be two statues of Jao Mae Guan Im on a single stretch of road? Anyway, pulling up the map on a friend’s mobile ‘phone, I was informed that the hotel was just over 11 km away, back the way I’d come. I followed the map, and when the positioning system said I was outside the hotel, there was … nothing. However, I had seen a group of beach front resorts across the bay, and headed for them.
On the hunt for the hotel, I passed a restaurant, Jim Daeng, which had been recommended for its seafood. To be honest, I might not have gone there if I’d translated the restaurant name beforehand. Daeng, I knew, means red, but Jim was unfamiliar to me. The dictionary told me it’s a slang term meaning a lady’s front bottom. Red Vagina? Not the most appetising name for a restaurant. And to be honest, I can’t think of any other restaurant named after a squish mitten – except possible Le Gavroche. I’m not sure what a Gavroche is, but it might be a lady bit. Anyway, the meal was excellent, with spicy stir fried prawns, spicier stir fried scallops, a rather herbal mixed seafood tom yam gung, and crab fried rice. And the location, just across the road from the beach, was great.
Having eventually found the hotel and settled in, we went for a walk along the beach front, which is pleasantly lined with pine trees. Such is the unpredictable nature of the weather at this time of year I really should have taken an umbrella. Such is life, it started to rain heavily as I was far away from the hotel. I tried sheltering under the awning of a beachside stall, but the rain just came through. I was fated to be soaked to the bone. When the rain stopped it left droplets of water on the pine needles which looked quite magical.
Sunday was set aside to explore the national park, with the usual racist nonsense of 40 Baht admission fee for Thais, and five times that amount for foreigners. After all, everybody knows that all foreigners are incredibly wealthy and so should be fleeced, even if they live here and pay more in taxes that the typical Thai. Anyway, putting aside the unpleasant feeling such blatant discrimination produces, I drove into the park to the foot of a mountain, Khao Daeng. The uphill struggle was hard going, but the view from the top was in part glorious, and in part dispiriting because it revealed the extent of the destruction of the coastal area in the name of shrimp farming.
There wasn’t a lot of wildlife visible in the park, though I did see a large monitor lizard scurry away in the distance, and there were a few monkeys.
Sunday lunch was at a well-known restaurant inside the park which specialises in seafood. Again, we ate very well, starting with betel leaves (I think), topped with an oyster, a little nam phrik pao (chilli jam), fried shallots and a whisper of dill. Things then got even better with steamed prawns accompanied by a rather strange, medicinal-tasting soup, and an enormous mud crab. This time I remembered to photograph the dishes.
The restaurant was next to a klong. The klong banks were alive with small crabs with red claws (and a few blue ones). There were also some mudskippers which hauled themselves onto the bank. If ever there were a fish so ugly that even its mother couldn’t love it…
After lunch I wanted to see Tam Phraya Nakhon – a much-photographed cave. I parked a couple or so kilometres away and we walked over the headland to the other side. That was pretty tiring, but nothing compared with the climb up the mountain to the cave. Rather inconveniently it had been built at the top of a tall mountain. The ascent took over an hour, and I was very hot and sweaty by the time I reached the cave, which isn’t really a cave, but rather two massive sinkholes with a connecting passage.
Various Thai kings have liked this place and visited on more than one occasion. King Rama V liked the place so much he had a sala built here.
There was also a sheet of stalactites.
The descent was almost as arduous as the ascent. I must have looked in a terrible state. Several people going in the opposite direction said “su, su” meaning “fight” or “struggle” to encourage me. One couple that didn’t speak to me, commented between themselves rather in disgust that my clothing was totally soaked through. I’d liked to have told them that I was probably the only person who had climbed two mountains and over the headland that day. For most of the visitors don’t walk across the headland, but take a boat to the foot of the mountain. Still, I survived, even if the next day I was barely able to move and there wasn’t a muscle in my body which wasn’t aching.
For the final morning we’d booked a boat trip to “Monkey Island” which, as its name suggests, is an island with monkeys. However, I did rather have misgivings about getting onto the boat when I saw that the sea was teaming with thousands of jellyfish. The trip to the island didn’t take long. The pilot steered the boat onto the shore, a small, gravelly beach, and then started cutting up bananas. As if by magic a hundred or so monkeys appeared from the undergrowth.
The young ones were particularly cute.
However, some of them seemed more like meercats.
I guess they do it for the enhanced TV ratings.
I had wondered how the monkeys (macaques, I think) survived on a small island with no source of fresh water. The pilot said that someone brought fresh water from the mainland for them.
However, the colony wasn’t really thriving, and the number of monkeys has gone down over the years.
Sometimes it’s a “you scratch my back” kind of world – at least for monkeys.
What happened next was perhaps one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. One monkey, and it was only one, started digging where the water lapped onto the beach.
He found a cockle which he then placed on a flat rock and took a smaller rock and used it to smash open the shell.
That moment alone made braving the jellyfish all worth it. He then gathered more cockles and crushed them, giving me a chance to try to get a photograph of the event.
So, at Sam Roi Yot a good time was had by all (apart from the cockles who didn’t particularly enjoy the experience).
[611]
i see that master
is trying to embarrass me again
by showing my baby photos
not fair
i was a very cute puppy though
not a lot to report really
stayed at the doggy spa again
for a couple of nights
whilst master went away
for a short break
he tells me that he s ordered
a special harness for me
so that i can travel on the
back seat of the car
so next time i can go away
on holiday with master too
just in case you re wondering
the world s greatest living artist
that s me just in case you weren t sure
is still busily creative
here s my latest work
i call it
deconstructed toilet roll on blue towel
magnificent no
whisky
[610]
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