Whisky Writes

07. March 2014 · Write a comment · Categories: Whisky

what do you call Whisky Portrait
nine pomeranians
in a prison cell

a start

good joke

yes

well it s not so funny
if you re in the cell
next to them

i ll explain what happened later

here s a photograph of
the pomeranians

Evil Incarnate

Evil Incarnate

i think they re being treated
the same way they treat
rohingya refugees*

the navy has put them
back on a boat
and is towing them
out to sea

but back to my problems

i failed master

i m mortified

a frog almost got inside
the house to kill us all
in our beds

in my defence
it was very high up
and i didn t see it

Frog on Wall

Frog on Wall

still master was not happy

he put me in prison to punish me

it wasn t fair
i went on hunger strike in protest
apart from the tasty bits
in the food

master was so afraid
of being attacked by frogs
in his home
that he fled to singapore
when i wasn t there to protect him

i guess they don t
have frogs in singapore

whisky

* Master adds: Thailand isn’t a signatory to the The United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights and its treatment of refugees and other stateless persons is at times questionable. There are repeated and persistent reports of the Thai navy’s intercepting the boats of Rohingya (Burmese Muslims of Bangladeshi ancestry) fleeing interracial violence in Burma – in particular in Rakhine state – and towing them further out to sea. It has also been alleged that Rohingya refugees have, after arriving in Thailand, been put back into their boats, given food and water, and towed back out to sea. In some cases (again alleged), the boats have not had working motors. The Thai Navy denies all the allegations.
[670]

Here’s Birdy!

07. March 2014 · Write a comment · Categories: Daily Life

They’re back, and this time it’s personal.

After a break of several months, the Oriental Magpie-Robins have deigned to nest in my light fitting once more.

Oriental Magpie-Robins, the Third Batch

Oriental Magpie-Robins, the Third Batch

[669]

Tomato Ketchup

27. January 2014 · Write a comment · Categories: Daily Life

Thai Heinz tomato ketchupTomato ketchup (or “catsup” if you are of an American persuasion) is surprisingly popular in Thailand. Most supermarkets stock at least 2 or 3 brands, foremost amongst them being Heinz. Admittedly, there is probably an equal volume of sweetish chilli sauces alongside, including one by Heinz, but tomato sauce is undoubtedly a favourite here.

If you order French fries, then there will inevitably be a small dish of the sauce to dip them in. (French fries are seen here more as a snack food for drinking with beer than an accompaniment to a main dish.)

Tomato sauce has also long been incorporated into Thai cuisine. It appears in recipes for “peak kai lao daeng” (deep fried chicken extremities in a kind of reddish local gutrot-enhanced sauce) as well as in the Thai version of sweet and sour pork (which is rather less gloopy than the Chinese version one endures in the West). There are even some versions of the Thai national dish, Phad Thai, which include it, though this is an abomination.

Phad Thai is one of the few dishes that can be considered to have a definitive recipe. It’s not a traditional Thai dish, but was rather the winner of a competition to create as a new national dish at the behest of Field Marshall Plaek Phibunsongkhram in the late 1930s or thereabouts when he was avidly trying to create a unified national Thai identity. He also wanted to wean Thai people off rice and on to noodles. Though at the time he held the notional title of “Prime Minister”, it’s probably better to consider him a fascist dictator along the lines of Mussolini – a role he held from 1938 to 1957 with a four year break in the middle. He was also responsible for changing the country’s name from Siam to Thailand, and for the the rewriting of the words to the National Anthem along suitably jingoistic lines. Despite being of Chinese ancestry himself he led a campaign to boycott all Chinese owned businesses in the Kingdom, and one of his charming henchmen (also of Chinese ancestry) notoriously likened the Chinese in Thailand to the Jews in Germany. So perhaps Mussolini and Goebels rolled into one. But enough of good soldier Phlaek, though I can be pretty sure he wouldn’t have approved of American ketchup in his fried noodles.

Another major use of tomato ketchup here is to slather liberally over pizza. Every pizza restaurant has a bottle or sachets of the condiment at the table. Even the upmarket place I order home delivery from (and which actually does a pretty good, authentic version of the fired dough) includes a few sachets of the stuff Sellotaped to the box.

Given some of the strange perversions of pizza that appear here, an overdose of tomato slop might actually be the only way to make them palatable. Artificial crab sticks and mayonnaise pizza with frankfurter-stuffed crust anybody?

And to the point of my ramblings: a few days ago I bought a packet of locally made frozen gyoza (Japanese dumplings) for lunch. The accompanying pouch of soy-based dipping sauce felt a little strange. Once I’d defrosted it I had a taste. Yes, it was that staple of high Japanese cuisine, tomato ketchup. Only (at least, I hope only) in Thailand.

[668]

Whisky Writes

07. December 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Whisky

the thai neekitun is backWhisky Portrait
it sneaks into the garden
after dark every night and
leaves behind a sample
of its pure which master
picks up every morning
i had hoped that master
would now stop picking up
my pure but that
hasn t happened
he s ruining my life
let me explain

a few nights ago
master found a small piece
of pure on my blanket
he took it to the tan yard
and washed the blanket
i felt devastated

i think another famous dog
wilfred
captured the feeling perfectly
with what he said
after his master
stepped on a piece of his pure

you just put a footprint
on the mona lisa
did you see the swirl
on that masterpiece
the form
the texture
the taper of pinch point
what do i bother
you don t know sh*t

you see i m trying to create
art using my pure
it s in the tradition of marc quinn
who formed a head
out of his own blood
and andres serrano
who used his own pee for
piss christ

other artists have used pure before
chris ofili used elephant pure
and mary kelly exhibited
dirty nappies as art
but they haven t had
the artistic courage
to go as far
as to use their own pure
that s what makes my art so great
my willingness to go that one step further
to bare my soul and show my poo

and that s why i m
so frustrated with master
every morning when he
gathers my pure
he thwarts my attempt
to establish an open air sculpture park

whisky

Master adds: Wilfred is an Australian TV comedy series about a mentally disturbed young man (Ryan) who sees his neighbour’s dog as a man in a dog costume (Wilfred) who tries to help him rebuild his life. I’m currently watching the US remake of the series. Its humour is reminiscent of Puppets Who Kill (another Australian comedy series with a talking dog). Both series are to be recommended if you like your comedy dark and twisted.

[667]

Python!

25. November 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Daily Life

Yesterday morning there was an unwelcome visitor to the moobaan: a python (reticulated python, I think). The local snake catchers were called and he (or she) took it away, though at one point one of the security guards was bitten.

I had feared that this beautiful creature was headed for the cooking pot, but I’m assured it’ll either end up in a zoo or be released in the countryside away from people.

I find it surprising that a snake can grow to that size in urban Bangkok. That said, it might just possibly be an escaped pet.

[666]

Whisky and Toad

01. November 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Whisky

This morning Whisky seemed very preoccupied with something in the hedge.

Whisky and toad

Whisky and toad

It turned out to be what I think is a Common Indian toad (Duttaphrynus melanostictus).

Common Indian toad

Common Indian toad

The toad could hop around through the undergrowth faster than Whisky could navigate around, so the toad was pretty safe, though I sent Whisky inside to give it a chance to escape. After all, he is a fearless frog warrior and he might have got lucky.

[665]

Never New News

27. October 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Daily Life, Thailand News

I haven’t posted for a few weeks. Truth to tell, the news here in Thailand is rarely edifying, and the same sorry stories repeat time and time again.

“Spoiled kid of a rich family kills someone and gets away with it”
Most recently a younger member of the Red Bull family who was allegedly drunk and high on drugs slammed his Ferrari at high speed into a policeman’s motorcycle then dragged him down the road for 200 yards. The policeman died. The heir’s indictment has mysteriously been postponed six times. Immediately before the final scheduled indictment attempt he was allowed to leave Thailand to see motor racing in Singapore. He then developed a sniffle and got a doctor’s note saying he was unfit to fly. The statute of limitations on one of the charges then expired. So, yet another rich kid looks like getting away with murder.

“Drunk policeman shoots tourist dead in fit of pique and gets away with it”
The only twist in this story is that one Chiang Mai policeman who shot a Canadian tourist didn’t actually get away with it. Rather foolishly, he went on to club his new wife to death; she was heavily pregnant at the time. He subsequently pleaded guilty to the murders of both his wife and the tourist.

“Technical college students shoot at/knife each other. Only one or two dead”
Across Thailand there are rivalries between technical colleges. Students arm themselves and attack those from a rival college. Frequently there are fatalities. Occasionally an innocent bystander gets killed.

“Another policeman/soldier/rubber tapper/teacher shot/blown up/beheaded in the South”
The Islamist insurgency continues to rack up dead bodies; pretty much every day there’s a new report of somone’s being murdered. The death toll is now well over 5,000 and the killings continue apace.

“Thailand flooded”
I didn’t expect a repeat of the 2011 floods quite so soon. After all, didn’t the government promise to invest massively in infrastructure to prevent a recurrence? Recent headlines include “Flooding in east Thailand worst for 50 years”, “Thai floods force closure of 17 factories in industrial zone”, “Thailand floods death toll rises to 73”, “Millions affected by floods in Thailand”. Still, no need to worry here in Bangkok; as Deputy Prime Minister Plodprasop reassured us “Bangkok will be 100 percent safe unless there is more heavy rain in the North for a couple of days.”

“Government Minister says something ridiculously stupid”
The ability of government ministers to spout total nonsense that anyone with even a single functioning neuron is rubbish is uncanny. They universally appear incapable of distinguishing truth from fiction – or hold their countrymen in such contempt that they assume they will lap up any old rubbish.

“Massive corruption in government project”
Corruption is omnipresent; there’s probably not a single government project that doesn’t involve graft. Many projects such as the rice mortgaging scheme (losses to date estimated at over 400 billion Baht – that’s roughly $13 billion – the government has repeatedly refused to provide accurate figures on the costs and losses) appear to have been specifically designed to facilitate corruption; the poorest farmers have gained very little from the scheme.

With daily news like this, I sometimes wonder why I bother to read the news in the newspaper. Perhaps I should just stick to the cartoons and the crossword.

[664]

Whisky Writes

27. October 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Whisky

master went on a Whisky Portrait
long hunting trip

usually he only goes
for an hour or two
and comes back with
a bag of meat
or a stinky bone

this time he was away
for four weeks
it wasn t a very successful trip
i think he caught a deer
but on the way back
he ate almost all of it
all that was left for me
was a short length of antler
to chew

there s a siberian husky
that gets rather frantic
whenever i pass her gate
i d thought that she was
an art lover and that
she gets overexcited
when she sees me
the world s greatest living artist

who am i kidding
i m the greatest artist of all time

anyway when i was taking master
for a drag she managed
to squeeze between the bars
of the fence and she attacked me
i guess she must be a rival artist
jealous of my enormous talent
what she failed to take into account
in her misguided attack
was that i am
not only a magnificent artist
i am also a fearless frog warrior
in fact i was just about
to deliver a killer blow
when her mistress s maid came
and pulled her off

i was only pretending to be losing
to lull her into
a false sense of security
she had a lucky escape

whisky


[663]

The Limits of Democracy (Thai Style)

03. September 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Thailand News

Winston Churchill famously said in a speech to the House of Commons that:

“Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.”

When it comes to Thailand, I’m not so sure. The Pheu Thai government, which holds a large majority, currently has three bills as top priority.

The first of these bills is the “Line Our Pockets at the Expense of the Little People” bill. Basically, the government is planning on borrowing 2 trillion Baht ($62 billion) to fund some vaguely specified infrastructure projects – though a large chunk of the money will undoubtedly disappear into the bank accounts of certain “influential people”. The Thai people will be left with paying off the debt plus interest for the next 50 years so that certain politicians and others can become even more fabulously wealthy.

The second of the bills is the “Get Thaksin Home at Any Cost” bill. Officially the bill (actually a number of competing bills drafted by different brownnosers) is about national reconciliation. Pardon anybody who broke any laws during the unrest of 2010, even if those people are guilty of murder or arson. This would give Thaksin a “get out of jail free” card and allow him to return to Thailand without spending even a day behind bars for his crimes. Understanding how doing something like this will promote national reconciliation is beyond my limited powers of reasoning.

The most insidious of the three bills, however, is about democratic reform. The Senate, which is 50% appointed and 50% elected, provides a check upon the actions of the lower house. Pheu Thai now wishes to make the upper chamber 100% elected and to remove certain current restrictions upon who may become a senator including:

  • Senate candidates must not have been party members or MPs for 5 years
  • Senate candidates are prohibited from being parents, spouse, or children of political office holders or MPs.

The inevitable consequence of this is that the Senate would be filled with the wives, brothers, sons, nephews, uncles, gardeners and maids of sitting MPs; there would be no checks or balances upon the actions of lower house. And where might that lead? President-for-Life Thaksin Shinawatra presiding over a financially ruined Thailand? Think Zimbabwe. Could Thailand be heading down such a path? It’s not inconceivable.

I think Winnie got it wrong about democracy.

 

[662]

Amphawa (อัมพวา) and Tha Kha (ท่าคา) floating markets

01. September 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Tourist Attractions

For many tourists to Thailand a floating market is a must-see. Most end up visiting the market at Damnoen Saduak, a terribly over-commercialised tourist trap. Whilst almost all floating markets in Thailand have disappeared – after all, getting about by boat is for most people not part of their daily life in this age of roads, motorcycles, cars and tuk-tuks. However, a few remain, though often touched by the need to attract tourists to keep them sustainable. Two such markets are at Amphawa and Tha Kha, a few kilometres apart from each other in Samut Songkhram province, about 130 km from Bangkok, slightly inland, but very close to the Gulf of Thailand.

Amphawa is by far the better known and more popular of these two markets. At weekends Bangkokians flock in their thousands to shop and to eat here. The seafood is undoubtedly a major draw. It’s not particularly cheap, but it is astoundingly good.

Seafood at Amphawa floating market

Seafood at Amphawa floating market

There are also some oddities such as a fruit known as “gac” with its stunning colour. It doesn’t have that much taste, and is usually taken crushed as a drink sweetened with honey.

Gac fruit at Amphawa floating market

Gac fruit at Amphawa floating market

One sits at low tables alongside the khlong and orders from the vendors in the boats below.

Vendors at Amphawa floating market

Vendors at Amphawa floating market

In the evening a boat trip to see the fireflies is a “must do”. A two hour trip by longtail boat along the river and canals which surround Amphawa is a steal at 60 Baht (just over a pound) per person. It’s delightful to see the male fireflies in the bushes at the water’s edge flash in sync in an attempt to seduce a passing lady firefly. It’s as if each bush were strung up with Christmas lights. However, the trip is less than tranquil: there are dozens of boats plying the same route with their engines roaring. Some residents, finding the noise unbearable, have taken to spraying the bushes with DDT to kill the fireflies in the hope that the tours would stop. To lose the fireflies would be a great pity, for they are quite magical.

The boat trip also threw in a couple of temples to visit – nothing particularly spectacular or out of the ordinary, though at one there was a large group of young men, and a handful of women, out on a run as part of a drug rehab programme. One young man had no shoes on and was in very obvious pain. I wondered what his story was. Was the shoelessness punishment? Could he not afford shoes? Had they been lost or stolen? Whatever the background story, it struck me as inhumane.

The boat trip also passed a controversial new hotel. To build it a number of traditional wooden houses had to be pulled down, and its scale is totally out of proportion with the surrounding buildings.

Old wooden houses and new hotel at Amphawa

Old wooden houses and new hotel at Amphawa

The following day I visited Tha Kha floating market. It’s much smaller than Amphawa barely registers as a tourist attraction. There are perhaps no more than a dozen boats, mostly selling food.

Vendors at Tha Kha floating market

Vendors at Tha Kha floating market

This market isn’t a daily affair, but traditionally assembles four times a month according to the phases of the moon, though recently weekend mornings have been added to the schedule to draw in tourists. The food here was ridiculously cheap, with most dishes being around 20-25 Baht – less than 50 pence.

Preparing food at Tha Kha floating market

Preparing food at Tha Kha floating market

I enjoyed a thin omelette stuffed with beansprouts, grated coconut, peanuts, dried shrimp and a few other bits and pieces. The banana blossom salad, however, was rather too much on the spicy side for me – particularly without any rice to tame its fieriness.

Food at Tha Kha floating market

Food at Tha Kha floating market

[661]

« Older articles
Newer articles »