Postcards from Thailand

shocking

apparently the proper name
for a pyramid of mechanical frogs
is a christmas tree
and frogs make a lot of them
at this time of year
be on your guard

it s been a difficult week for me
a few days ago
i was taking my master out
for our regular preprandial drag

master s way too old and slow
to keep up with me

and i saw what my master calls
the ugly dog
on the opposite side of the road
normally i just keep walking
and he ignores me
this time he ran across the road
and attacked
it can t be anything i barked
i didn t say a thing
he s bigger than me
and older
i think he must envy
my youthful good looks
anyway some workmen came
and one threw his sandals
at the ugly dog and
ugly dog backed off
which was a pity because
i was about to use
one of my killer moves
that i use to deal with frogs
fortunately yours truly
wasn t badly hurt
just a small cut on my nose

i was in the kitchen
watching master shred a
breast of chicken poached
in coconut cream
when he dropped half of it
on the floor
right in front of me
i thought it a little odd
since i d already had my whiskyfood
however it would have been rude
not to wolf it down
and it was delicious
unfortunately it wasn t meant for me
master had dropped it by accident
because it was very slippery
he was very cross
now i m banned from the kitchen
so i just sit at the threshold
watching master make food
putting on my most doleful expression
if only i d been born a bloodhound
i could do a much better job

master tells me that he s
going away to india
in a couple of days
so i ll probably be too busy
to write again soon
so i ll wish you all now
a merry christmas
and a happy new year

whisky

anyway
i pounded against the front door
until master let me in
and was confronted with this monstrosity

it s got lots of lights
and it s green

it s a pyramid of mechanical frogs

those dastardly frogs
snuck into the house
and built it whilst
i was happily digging a hole
is there no limit to their duplicity

i for one
will be keeping my distance
from this tower of terror

whisky

next i searched the house
and garden for frogs
i reckon they must have
heard master taking
my bucket off
and hopped and hid
i couldn t find any
that said
i couldn t search upstairs
i think i used to be able
to climb the stairs
but now i ve forgotten how
that also meant i couldn t
go upstairs in the
middle of the night
to wake up master
to check that he was ok
i m sure master was
really disappointed about that

when i was wearing the bucket
i couldn t do any gardening
silly master has forgotten
how important it is
to have lots of shoe trees
in fact
he filled in all
the special holes i dug
in the grass to plant shoes
never mind
i spent some time
this morning getting rid of
the soil he put in the holes
so i can plant his shoes
nice and deeply once more

well
it s time to lick
my genitals again
so i ll sign off now

any man who lays his hand
on my collar to control me
is an usurper and tyrant
and i declare him my enemy

but let me go back to the beginning

it all started on saturday morning
silly master forgot to feed me
so i went out and killed
a baby sparrow
master saw what i d done
and wouldn t let me eat it
he s so mean sometimes
anyway i forgave him
when he told me
we were going to go
for a car ride

the ride was fun
i like sticking my head
out of the window and
watching the world pass by
but when we got to our destination
i was less happy
it was the vet
that nasty person was going
to stick needles in me again
i just knew it

anyway despite my best efforts
to get away
they caught me and stuck me
suddenly i began to feel
rather strange
i felt rather sick
master held a bucket under my head
but i still managed to
vomit on the floor
after all a dog is supposed
to return to its own vomit
i read that in the bible
if i d vomitted in the bucket
i bet mean master
would have taken it away

then i fell asleep

when i woke up i felt terrible
all groggy
and somehow i felt rather lighter
down there
i thought it was an urban legend
that people got drugged
and woke up in a bathtub
with both of their kidneys missing
but something like that
has happened to me
i should report it to a police dog
but thai police dogs
sometimes won t do anything
unless you bribe them with
a stinky bone or something

despite not having had breakfast
i really didn t feel much like eating
though master cooked me all my favourites
chicken
mussels
and
beef

in fact
with a bucket on your head
eating isn t easy

apparently i m going to
have to wear this bucket
for more than a week
i do hope master
is going to carry on
giving me special food
for all this time though

because the bucket is so big
i can t get into my crate
so i have to sleep on the floor
i d really like to go upstairs
in the middle of the night
to check that master is ok
and make sure that no frogs
have crept into the house
but i can t get up the stairs
with this bucket on my head

frogs
you may be safe for now
but once the bucket comes off
beware