On the day of the full moon Buddhists gathered to celebrate Visakha Bucha, the day of the year on which the Lord Buddha was born, became enlightened and passed away. They gather, as I did last year, to hold incense sticks, lotus bud and a lit candle and promenade around a temple’s ordination hall thrice. But in Wat Suan Kaew in Thailand’s south, this didn’t happen this year. The last two monks had been blown up by a terrorist bomb the day before as they made their alms round, padding bare foot, heads bowed, humbly accepting the food offered by the villagers.

Monks are an easy target. Despite having an armed guard, they are defenceless against 20 kg of explosive buried under the road. What defence is a begging bowl and a saffron robe? Also defenceless are rubber tappers, working alone in the forest, who are routinely targeted and beheaded. Teachers, policemen and soldiers, however, are more usually blown up or shot.

Though the perpetrators are oft described as Islamic terrorists that is far too easy a label. Yes, they are followers of The Religion of Peace, and yes their numbers include jihadis imported from places such as Pakistan and Saudi Arabia, and yes, they want an independent Moslem state covering the four southernmost provinces of Thailand, and eventually a universal caliphate. However, their 4,000 and counting victims include both Buddhists and Moslems in roughly equal numbers. The terrorists seemingly have no spokesman, no manifesto. They seem solely to thrive on creating fear and division between neighbours, Buddhist and Moslem. One wonders what the role of foreign countries is in all this? Are these terrorists in it for the filthy lucre they receive from abroad to sue their holy war? Who knows?

But for now, the last two monks are dead, and all now is silence.

[515]

14. May 2011 · 1 comment · Categories: Daily Life

A few months before I left Ayutthaya a family moved in next door – a grossly fat Dutchman and his foul-mouthed Thai wife. The Dutchman had a penchant for sitting outside his house shirtless. The sight of his hairy, pendulous belly was enough to make anyone wretch. He’d then drink beer to ensure there was no danger of his hirsute pride-and-joy would shrink to more natural proportions.

His wife was equally repulsive. I’m guessing from her language and demeanour that she’s a former prostitute and that’s how he met her. (And, how shall I put it? I somehow doubt she married him for his good looks and charm.) Anyway, these two and their family made my life a misery.

Almost the first thing they did on moving in was to put up a large screen made of green plastic sacking which obstructed the view from my front door. It looked so cheap and vile (much like the family).

Then they installed a massive satellite dish immediately outside my landing window.

Then the building work started. They extended the house at the back, putting in a new kitchen, to one side (fortunately the side away from my house) and at the front. The building work went on for weeks and was hardly quiet. But then, neither were the youths who used their front drive as a makeshift motorcycle garage late into the night.

Once the building work finished they started on the front garden and turned it into a water feature resembling nothing so much as a public urinal. Once finished they’d leave the water running all day just to ensure that their annoying noises were incessant. (Of course, they shut all their windows so they couldn’t hear the torrent.) I’d hate to think the state I’d be in if I had a bladder problem.

Their offensiveness wasn’t limited to sight and sound. On occasion the fat Dutchman would park his pickup truck outside my gate so I could neither leave nor enter. I’d end up blowing my car horn for a good few minutes before he’d deign to appear and move his vehicle. Never an apology forthcoming from him, though, for the inconvenience caused.

There’s more – lots more – but I don’t think writing about it is too good for my blood pressure.

Anyway, in my new place the neighbours behind have managed to prove a tad inconsiderate even before they’ve moved it. This was the view from my dining area when I opened the blinds late this morning.

Dining Room View

(Just to clarify, the breeze block wall wasn’t there last night.)

Room with a view? Don’t count on it – not in Thailand.

[514]

Billie Joe Armstrong may have imprecated us to “live without warning”, but there comes a time when I feel I must warn the world of a terrible, terrible danger.

Now, I’m not one much for high-end toiletries, though I do love my L’Occitane en Provence Citrus Verbena Shampoo and rather wish that I had enough hair to warrant buying the corresponding conditioner. I also love my Kiehls Ultimate Man Body Scrub Soap – quite possibly the best soap in the world. That said, I still love my Boots Amazon Forest Brazil Nut and Vanilla Shower Gel too – it smells just like being in a wonderful bakery. However, one high end product I recently tried has proved a bit of a disappointment. It’s Lab Series Maximum Comfort Shave Cream. It claims its “advanced formula softens and prepares beard for a close and comfortable shave. Rich, concentrated texture allows for excellent razor glide and protection.” Does it heck as like! Each time I use it my face ends up looking like it’s had an overly close encounter with Freddy Krueger. To make things worse its “patented formula system provides immediate relief of irritation and stinging” really means that it numbs your skin so that you don’t realise that you’re slashing yourself to shreds until you notice the blood torrenting down your face. This has to be one of the worst shaving products ever! Avoid!!! As for me, the tube is going in the bin, and I’m going back to my cheap and cheerful Nivea Shaving Foam.

Picture provided for warning purposes only.

Probably the worst shaving product in the world

[513]

I rarely watch Thai-language TV – the content is usually pretty uninspiring and, to be honest, it’s still a strain for me to listen to Thai for more than a few minutes. However, one soap opera beckoned me to the screen yesterday evening – Dork Som Sii Thorng (ดอกส้มสีทอง – literally Gold-coloured Orange Blossom). This raunchy soap might not have come to my attention had the Culture Minister, Nipit Intarasombat, called for the censorship committee of Channel 3 to be dismissed. He bewailed that some of the characters in the series “acted extremely aggressively” with “overly strong emotion” – but that’s pretty standard for Thai soap operas. (Also standard is extremely wooden acting, cookie-cutter plots, rampant product placement and long, lingering shots of an actor’s face at key moments as they slowly contort their features through a range of emotions.)

Dork Som Sii Thorng

Of course, the real problem is that this soap is an accurate depiction of high society life. There’s rampant adultery by both men and women (the female lead has particularly voracious needs), drug taking, black magic rites and lots of screaming rows. Consumption is particularly conspicuous, with large houses and flashy cars. Shocking! There are elements in Thai society that take a nanny-knows-best view of the world and try to control what the ordinary Thai people read and watch.

(It’s of note that a prominent US human rights organisation has recently downgraded Thailand’s rating for press freedom from “partly free” to “not free” – one of the contributing factors being Thailand’s ramping up of its already rampant Internet censorship as well as overt political control of TV.)

Anyway, Channel 3 has responded by changing the programme’s rating from “13” to “18” (and there’s a nice big DOG on the screen to remind you of this throughout the program) and added a scrolling message every couple of minutes reminding viewers that soap operas aren’t reality, this isn’t Big Brother, and that under-18s should not be exposed to such corrupting filth. (At least, that was the gist of the message. I paraphrased.)

No doubt Channel 3 is enormously grateful for the Minister’s concerns, and is equally grateful for the terrific ensuing boost in viewing figures.

[512]

So, the United States thinks it’s OK to fly a bunch of helicopters laden with trained assassins into another, sovereign nation, attack a private home and in cold blood murder the householder and his son? They then steal the householder’s body and dump it in the sea. They also take all his computers. Who died and made Uncle Sam King of Everything?

Osama Bin Laden was a sick man, unarmed, living a life of quiet seclusion. If he had done wrong (and in all probability he had), then why wasn’t he captured and brought to trial – preferably in Pakistan. After all, Pakistan is an ally of America. In fact, it’s so popular that it receives billions of dollars each year from the USA for … well, I’m not quite sure for what.

Uncle Sam and Satan
[Cartoon by Peter Till, from The Independent.]

Suppose the tables were turned. Suppose that Pakistan decided to go after the American contractor who earlier this year for his jollies decided to shoot and murder a couple of Pakistanis. What would be the American reaction if Pakistan sent in its elite troops to dispense with Raymond Allen David – or even capture him and bring him to trial in Pakistan?

Double standards, methinks.

As for who is the greater Satan, that’s for others to decide.

[511]

03. May 2011 · Write a comment · Categories: Food

In his book The Anatomy of Disgust William Miller argued that when we are disgusted we are trying to impose limits in a chaotic universe and attempting to keep disorder at bay. However, each culture has its own set of the disgusting. In Britain we don’t eat snails, frogs or horses, but it’s but a short hop across the Channel to the land of Frogs where these things are considered a delicacy.

Historically, in Thailand, people have eaten a wide range of meats. Not horses (they aren’t common in Thailand), and some people don’t eat snails (in their mind they are associated with toilets), but frog is still quite popular, along with fish, prawns and other shellfish and wild birds. In the past chicken was a luxury – you wouldn’t want to kill an animal that provided you with a steady stream of eggs. So was pork – it took a long time to raise a pig, and then you had to put from your mind that in its lifetime a pig will have eaten a lot of rather revolting stuff (yes, including human poo).

Cows and buffalo held a particular place in the affections of the Thai farmer. They did a lot of the hard work on the farm, and were treated with great affection. A farmer wouldn’t usually eat his own beast, but would rather give the meat to neighbours, or sell it in the local market. A particularly belovėd animal would be buried and its skull mounted on the wall of the house.

City dwellers were somewhat less sentimental about the cow and the buffalo: beef was a delicious meat, to be enjoyed salted, dried, grilled, or eaten in a curry or soup.

Bangkok’s building boom of a few years ago triggered a massive influx of labour from Isaan (the high plateau in the north east of Thailand). Life as a peasant farmer was hard; working long hours on a dangerous building site in the capital seemed like an easy option. Soon there were food stalls – and later restaurants – all over Bangkok selling Isaan food: grilled chicken, barbecued pork, somtam (spicy green papaya salad) and sticky rice, as well as laap (spicy salad made from barely cooked minced meat with lime juice, coriander and mint). Thankfully such local delights as red ant eggs and part digested buffalo stomach contents dipped in blood were left on the plateau. However, in travelling to the capital the food mutated. It became less spicy and beef was increasingly used. Dishes such as nam tok neua (literally “waterfall beef”, a salad of grilled, sliced beef with herbs in a spicy, sour sauce containing ground roasted rice named after the drops of moisture that fall off the beef as it grills), seua ronghai (grilled beef, but literally “crying tiger”, named after the sound the dripping fat makes as it hits the barbecue coals) and neu tun (beef tendon soup). (Winnie the Pooh fans will be relieved to learn that seau ronghai was never actually made from Tiggers.)

More recently beef has started to disappear from the menu. Nam tok is now more usually made with pork and laap is more commonly seen made from chicken, duck or pork.

It’s not only Isaan food that has seen a cutback in the use of beef. Other Thai dishes have changed radically to eliminate beef: gaeng khiaw waan (green curry) was traditionally made with beef, but is now rarely seen made with anything other than chicken or fishballs; gaeng kii lek (curry with a distinctive local leaf) used to be made with beef, but now is usually found with pork; and panaeng neua (beef in a thick curry sauce) is now almost invariably made with chicken or pork. Curries, soups, yams, noodle dishes – all have changed.

With this decline in use, beef has become harder to find. Of the two big supermarket chains, Tesco-Lotus usually has a small selecion on its shelves, but Big C doesn’t stock it at all. And in the local markets, in smaller ones beef’s unobtainable, though larger markets might have a stall or two selling it.

Why the decline? In part, I suspect, it’s because of price; beef is much more expensive than pork or chicken. And in part it may be because of Mad Cow Disease. However, there’s also a significant feeling that large animals such as cows are more sentient than smaller ones, so consuming them is more “sinful”.

How long before the only place you can find beef in Thailand is under the Golden Arches?

[510]

It appears that a couple of spoiled rich kids are getting married in London tomorrow. This is a matter of such global import that The Bangkok Post has been carrying page-long articles about the couple’s impending nuptials for the last week, and tomorrow we can look forward to four-page, full colour wraparound (whatever one of this is). I can barely contain my excitement.

***

The cost for the security (just security) for this beanfeast is apparently not unadjacent to £20,000,000. Such security appears to be necessary because Muslims Against Crusades (a British Islamist organisation) has declared that the wedding is a “legitimate terror target”. I’m not sure they understand the meaning of the word “legitimate” – particularly in the context of a terrorist attack. Be that as it may, their spokesman, Abu Abbas, has also recommended that all Moslems stay away from central London on the day, partly to avoid “the drinking, drug taking and sexual promiscuity” – but mostly to avoid being blown to smithereens by their co-religionists.

Of course, if the Pontiff, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Chief Rabbi, whoever heads the Humanists, Yoda and the Supreme Dalek issued similar warnings to their followers to stay away the streets would be clear and there’d be no need to spend such a vast sum of public money on our boys in blue.

***

One might feel sorry for Middleton, if she weren’t such a cheap, shallow social climber. She’s now destined to a life of utter tedium, where her major decision each day will be whether to shag her riding instructor or regurgitate her lunch.

The prospect of marrying that prematurely balding, smirking git with braying laugh and delinquent chin is enough to make anyone vomit. But then, the prospect of fabulous wealth and privilege and endless paparazzi photographs in Hello magazine is enough to turn the head of the shallowest grasping bimbo.

On the positive side, the marriage is hardly likely to last long. The royals in recent years have had trouble keeping to the “till death us do part” part of the marriage vows. I wonder how it feels to be a starter queen?

***

Doubtless the Palace PR machine will attempt to turn Middleton into some sort of icon. They did a stunningly good job with Diana. A quick trip to Bosnia and a few photoshoots over the hospital beds of people with AIDS turned her into a living saint, oft favourably compared to Mother Theresa. (Actually, you could probably compare Jack the Ripper favourably to the bigoted Albanian raisin-look-alike who was far more interested in raising funds for wimples and rosaries than in providing proper medical care for those unfortunate enough to come into her charge. But I digress.)

***

The obscene public expense of the rich twits getting hitched is not without purpose: it reminds us how they are better than the rest of us. They have their position because it’s the will of God (or possibly of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I’m not sure), and they need to take every possible opportunity to rub our noses in the fact. Insecure muchly. The fact that this spectacle is about as appetising as that of Caligula celebrating his conjugals with Incitatus appears to be lost on the Windsors.

***

Surely it’s long overdue for this inbred family of cretins and hypocrites to go. Haven’t they lived off the backs of decent, working people for far too long, their sole skills being in hand waving, hoarding and profligately spending the wealth of the British people? Time to start sharpening the guillotines once more.

There are a myriad of tiny differences between countries, even when it comes to what goes on in supermarket car parks. For example, in England most people dutifully take their trolleys to the appointed spot. Anyone who doesn’t faces a disapproving stare, or even a stern tutting from any onlooker. In Thailand – where nobody walks even a few feet if they don’t have to – trolleys are simply left where they are. Someone will be along soon to collect it.

In England I wouldn’t dream of driving other than along the prescribed route, religiously following the painted arrows on the ground. Here in Thailand those arrows are seen as merely advisory, and I think nothing of driving the wrong way, provided the car park isn’t too busy.

And people here don’t drive forward into a parking space, they reverse – which makes it easy to spot my car in a car park: it’ll be the only one pointing the wrong way.

There is one thing the Thais do that riles me: they will park their car in front of yours, leaving it in neutral so you can roll it aside to exit – though sometimes it’s a whole row of cars that needs to be shifted. This doesn’t only happen when the car park is full; even if the car park is virtually empty someone will park blocking your exit to save walking an extra ten paces to the store. And almost invariably it will be the dirtiest of cars that does this, so your hands are left grimy for the trip home. Still, it saved the driver walking a few paces, so it’s worth it.

***

The’ll now be a short break in my random ramblings. Normal service will be resumed at the end of the month.

[508]

Sansiri (the developer of the moobaan where I live) has removed the hanging debris from the billboard advertising the development. What is left bears a striking resemblance to a certain popular sculpture. As they say in Private Eye, could they possibly be related?

Sansiri sign and Angel of the North

[508]

Whan that aprill with his shoures soote
The droghte of march hath perced to the roote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licour
Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
Whan zephirus eek with his sweete breeth
Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
Tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
Hath in the ram his halve cours yronne
And smale foweles maken melodye

I suspect that from a meteorological point of view Chaucer was the Michael Fish of his day. But let me begin at the beginning.

Yesterday was a fine day, a little overcast, but no sign of impending rain. I put a load of washing in the washing machine (which resides outside), and an hour later put the laundry out to dry. I then summoned a taxi and headed off to central Bangkok for a bit of kultcha, for this was the day of the concert by the Bangkok Symphony Orchestra.

I’ve known for a while know that Bangkok boasts a symphony orchestra, but, to be honest, I’d assumed it was largely an affair of talented amateurs. But no! It’s a full time, professional orchestra.

***

Before the concert I had dinner with G.. We wandered around a shopping centre for somewhere to eat, and eventually plumped for a Chinese place – a small, simple, concrete shell decorated with cheap paper lanterns and little else. The omen were propitious, with several men (already a little drunk on rice spirit at six in the afternoon) talking loudly in Teochew. The food was good and filling, if not sensational, and the portions were generous: deep fried tofu stuffed with minced pork, hot and sour soup, and Peking duck with all the trimmings. Finishing dinner a little early, we decided that a brief sojourn at a traditional local coffee shop trading under the name of “Starbucks” was in order. One green tea latte frappuccino served, we were ready to head on. And then the heavens opened – a tropical storm, whipped horizontal by the wind. Twenty minutes before the conductor picked up his baton, we had no option but to brave the elements and scuttle to the concert hall.

***

Two sodden rats sat down twenty minutes later, ready for Weber, Mozart and Tchaikovsky – though somewhat less ready for the effect of the freezing air-con upon their chilly cladding.

The concert was a pretty good stab at some challenging works. There was some hesitancy in attack in some of the string sections, the French horns split their notes a few times in Tchaikovsky 4, and I didn’t like the tone of the clarinets – too woolly. Somewhat bizarrely, for me the star performer was the only member of the orchestra who doesn’t have a Thai name – Daisuke Iwabuchi, the Timpanist – I presume he’s Japanese. His precise, sensitive playing really stood out for me. More generally, the whole percussion section was excellent.

Of course, I should mention the soloist, Cho-Liang Lin, a Taiwanese-American violinist who scratches a mean Stradivarius. The richness of the tone of the lower strings was particularly magnificent. He makes a lot of what is obviously a very fine fiddle.

***

After the concert I took a taxi home. The driver drove with a certain reckless abandon, but by this stage I just wanted to get home to take off my sodden clothing and, in particular, my soaked through shoes and socks.

An hour or so later the driver was approaching my moobaan – but there was a barrier in the way. It seems a major power line had fallen across the road. In normal circumstances this wouldn’t been too much of a problem, but I live off a one way road with no other entrance.

After a bit of head scratching it was agreed the driver would head for the opposite end of the one way road and drive up it the wrong way. (The concepts of “legal” and “illegal” in Thailand tend to be a little nebulous.) Twenty minutes (and a generous tip to the driver) I was home. Time to check the laundry…

As I’d feared, all my freshly laundered clothes were scattered across the ground; the waterproof cover over the washing machine had been ripped off by the aeolian breezes, too, despite being anchored by hefty cables.

***

This morning I resolved boldly to venture forth, bread and milk to buy. Whilst the destruction was hardly post-apocalyptic, it was striking. Here’s the sign at the entrance to my moobaan.

Sansiri sign, storm damaged

Doesn’t look too bad? Here it is from a different angle.

Sansiri sign, storm damanged, 2

(Michael Bay, if you’re going to steal this idea for your next Transformers movie, I will sue.)

And some trees are now relaxing taking a well-deserved rest:

Sansiri blown over tree

Whilst others are simply slanting at jaunty angles.

Sansiri, leaning treet

[The above engraved etchings are courtesy of mine mobile telephone, so may not be up to my usual (and thoroughly mediocre) standards.]

[507]