Postcards from Thailand

i don t think that s always true

my master told me about prisoner ben
he s very much like me
he has a blog
and he did something bad
so he was sent to his crate
he accidentally killed another puppy
when he was 14
he s now been in his crate
for more then 30 years
when i m bad
my master is sometimes mean to me
for a few minutes
but never ever for 30 years

i think ben is a good man
he loves dogs
recently he was asked
if he d like to leave his crate
and play with some puppies
he was thrilled
afterwards he wrote

playing with a few dogs
is hardly a headline in life
except the strange and empty world
that is prison

not having played with a dog
for 3 decades
i d somehow overlooked
the toothy prospects of
2 springer spaniel puppies
when a tennis ball is
dangled before them
don t be misled
by the floppy ears and sad eyes
they can shift
- and don t let fingers
get between them and the ball

i spent about an hour
with them and a big labrador puppy
and they did run me ragged
they also gave me
a chance to step out of prison
to do something normal
such times are rare
and to be held on to

ben s also pretty smart

because he lives in a crate
he can t make great art like me
or do gardening
i don t think he s ever even killed a frog
but he has done a bachelors
and a masters degree
from inside his crate and
he d almost finished his phd
before the crate authorities
took away his word processor

people are sometimes very mean to dogs
and sometimes they re very mean to other people

ben may be a fully paid up
member of the awkward squad
but then sometimes i m a little difficult

perhaps the crate keepers can explain
why a man who hasn t committed
a violent act
since he was 14
is still in his crate
more than 20 years
after his original tariff expired

perhaps the crate keepers can explain
why they spend so much money
on dog food and blankets for him
when he could be
living on the streets
looking after himself

perhaps the crate keepers can explain
why they haven t freed ben gunn.

free ben gunn

and here s my latest work of art
i call it
still life with dead frog

whisky

master didn t spend very long gardening
he never does
he says it s too hot
some people say
if you can t stand the heat
stay out of the kitchen
well i say if
you can t stand the heat
stay out of my garden

and thinking of kitchens
i don t know why my master
keeps the kitchen door shut
the work surfaces won t
lick themselves you know
and if i don t lick them
who will

as an artist
i always push myself creatively
some lesser artists
have stuck to the same medium
throughout their career
van goch did nothing but
daub oil paint on canvas
for his entire career
bernini just chipped away
at blocks of marble
i however have advanced
from paper towels to newspaper
look at my latest work
it produces a profound emotional response
in all who see it
master was almost reduced to tears

rarely has the world seen a talent like mine

i not sure exactly what it is
but i think it s a mechanical frog
those dastardly frogs are evil geniuses
i ve never had to kill
a mechanical frog before
i really wasn t sure how to go about it
at first i was very cautious
assessing the situation

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWoXaYnPQl8]
then i went into attack mode

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONscIbayg4k]
unfortunately
the frog is still undead
my mission to free the world of frogs
even mechanical ones
continues

to be honest
i ve not been feeling
too good recently
my teeth keep on falling out
master says
with a cockney accent
almost as authentic
as dick van dyke s

they is all falling out
like confetti they is

i have no idea why the funny voice
he also says
this is perfectly normal
for a puppy my age
and when i get my new teeth
i ll have more of them
all the better to kill frogs
in the meantime
it s made it much more difficult
for me to chew the stinky bone
that master gave me
to cheer me up

on sunday my master
took me to the vet
when i arrived
there was a pretty cloth mat
on the floor
so i went over and weed on it
my master was very embarrassed
it wasn t my fault
i know i m not allowed to
wee in the house
but nobody told me
i wasn t allowed to
wee at the vets

anyway so little time
so many frogs to kill
i must get back to work

he s also started being mean
when i jump up to say hello
he just turns around
crosses his arms
and walks away
i think he wants to
stop me saying hello
that s not very nice

actually it was
a little bit difficult
to bite him properly
because i ve lost
one of my teeth
master tells me
that s normal for
dogs of my age
but how am i going
to protect him against
the perils of frogs
am i supposed to
gum them to death

i did see there s a book
on my master s bookshelf
called
eat that frog

maybe i should read it
to get some more tips
on how to deal with
these enemies of society

the good news is that
i m still getting art supplies
for my creative oeuvres
here s my latest paper roll
destined soon
to be something magnificent

whisky