sometimes i even surprise myselfWhisky Portrait
i m such a great artist that
i don t even need to try
to create something spectacular

yesterday i was busy
digging a hole in the lawn
i needed to bury another shoe
to make a second shoe tree
the first one isn t
growing too well
you can t have too many shoe trees
you know

and then i looked behind me
and realised i d created
an amazing work of art
on the front wall

look at the subtle tones
of this oeuvre
the spatial placement
the emotional resonance
truly this is another great piece
by yours truly

Whisky's Jackson Pollock

i know what you re thinking
jackson pollock
in fact
when my master saw what i d done
he said something that sounded like pollocks
though i don t think
he got the first letter right

whisky

[559]

Unlike the UK with its spring, summer, autumn, winter, Thailand has three seasons: the impossibly hot season, the impossibly hot season, and the impossibly hot season – though to Thais these are: the hot season, the wet season and the cold season. Precisely how temperatures in the 30s can be seen as “cold” is rather beyond me. Anyway, this year the wet season is lasting a bit longer than usual, and has produced pretty terrible flooding.

The flooding starts in the north, and the water then passes down the major rivers towards Bangkok. On the way, Ayutthaya has been badly hit. A major temple, Wat Chai Wattanaram, has been under water for almost a week now.

Wat Chai Wattanaram flooded

A minor temple, well inland, is also inundated.

Wat Lokeyasutha flooded

The local government hospital has been evacuated, being more than 2 metres under water.

In fact, about 10% of Ayutthaya island is currently inundated.

The Asia Highway (AH2), a major arterial route running from Singapore, through Malaysia, through Thailand to Burma, then connecting on to Pakistan, India, Bangladesh and Nepal, has been flooded only a few hundred metres from my former home. The ensuing traffic jam was more than 10 km long. Many vehicles have been abandoned to the waters.

***

The personal cost can be high. My first Thai teacher, Bum, and her husband build a house to the north of Ayutthaya. Before they bought the land I went with her husband to survey the area. We noted the high tide marks from then recent severe flooding on nearby properties. The decision was made to raise the ground level of the plot by a couple of metres. That should be enough, or so we thought.

And so it was, last year, when there was bad flooding. The waters lapped at the gateway, but the house itself was safe.

Not so this year. The waters have risen so that the ground floor is flooded to well over a metre. (The photo was taken at the early stages of the flooding.)

Bum's home flooded, Ayutthaya

Again, an earlier photo. The car is now totally submerged. No chance to take it to higher ground, the waters rose too fast.

Bum's home flooded, Ayutthaya

Bum’s husband was away at the time, and Bum and daughters have since been rescued by boat and are fine, staying with friends for the timebeing.

Ben, the family dog, however, had to be left behind when the family was rescued. He’s now alone living on the roof. He’s got enough food and water for a few days. Whisky and I just pray he’ll be OK.

***

And as for Bangkok, as I drove to Tesco-Lotus yesterday there were parts of the road flooded axle-deep. Local klongs have burst their bank, and the drainage system struggles to deal with the run-off.

It’s probably another week or so before the worst of the run-off from t’north reaches us here. The situation is unprecedented. I don’t know what to expect, but remain fearful.

[560]

my master told me that Whisky Portrait
if i ever hear anybody say
would you like to see some puppies
i should bite him really hard
because he must be a really bad man

i don t think that s always true

my master told me about prisoner ben
he s very much like me
he has a blog
and he did something bad
so he was sent to his crate
he accidentally killed another puppy
when he was 14
he s now been in his crate
for more then 30 years
when i m bad
my master is sometimes mean to me
for a few minutes
but never ever for 30 years

i think ben is a good man
he loves dogs
recently he was asked
if he d like to leave his crate
and play with some puppies
he was thrilled
afterwards he wrote

playing with a few dogs
is hardly a headline in life
except the strange and empty world
that is prison

not having played with a dog
for 3 decades
i d somehow overlooked
the toothy prospects of
2 springer spaniel puppies
when a tennis ball is
dangled before them
don t be misled
by the floppy ears and sad eyes
they can shift
- and don t let fingers
get between them and the ball

i spent about an hour
with them and a big labrador puppy
and they did run me ragged
they also gave me
a chance to step out of prison
to do something normal
such times are rare
and to be held on to

ben s also pretty smart

because he lives in a crate
he can t make great art like me
or do gardening
i don t think he s ever even killed a frog
but he has done a bachelors
and a masters degree
from inside his crate and
he d almost finished his phd
before the crate authorities
took away his word processor

people are sometimes very mean to dogs
and sometimes they re very mean to other people

ben may be a fully paid up
member of the awkward squad
but then sometimes i m a little difficult

perhaps the crate keepers can explain
why a man who hasn t committed
a violent act
since he was 14
is still in his crate
more than 20 years
after his original tariff expired

perhaps the crate keepers can explain
why they spend so much money
on dog food and blankets for him
when he could be
living on the streets
looking after himself

perhaps the crate keepers can explain
why they haven t freed ben gunn.

free ben gunn

whisky

[558]

i m trying to grow a new shoe treeWhisky Portrait
do you think i planted it deep enough

Whisky's new shoe tree

and here s my latest work of art
i call it
still life with dead frog

Still life with dead frog

whisky


[557]

master was gardening this morningWhisky Portrait
i was rather annoyed
gardening is my hobby
not his
i tried to help though
i grabbed the weeds
he d pulled up
and bits of hedge
he d chopped off
and ran to the other side
of the garden with them
he so appreciated my help
that he swept up all the dead leaves
into a pile
so i could roll around
on my back on them

master didn t spend very long gardening
he never does
he says it s too hot
some people say
if you can t stand the heat
stay out of the kitchen
well i say if
you can t stand the heat
stay out of my garden

and thinking of kitchens
i don t know why my master
keeps the kitchen door shut
the work surfaces won t
lick themselves you know
and if i don t lick them
who will

as an artist
i always push myself creatively
some lesser artists
have stuck to the same medium
throughout their career
van goch did nothing but
daub oil paint on canvas
for his entire career
bernini just chipped away
at blocks of marble
i however have advanced
from paper towels to newspaper
look at my latest work
it produces a profound emotional response
in all who see it
master was almost reduced to tears

Whisky Newspaper Art

rarely has the world seen a talent like mine

whisky

[556]

i found this in the house yesterday
Mechanical Frog

i not sure exactly what it is
but i think it s a mechanical frog
those dastardly frogs are evil geniuses
i ve never had to kill
a mechanical frog before
i really wasn t sure how to go about it
at first i was very cautious
assessing the situation

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWoXaYnPQl8]
then i went into attack mode

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONscIbayg4k]
unfortunately
the frog is still undead
my mission to free the world of frogs
even mechanical ones
continues

to be honest
i ve not been feeling
too good recently
my teeth keep on falling out
master says
with a cockney accent
almost as authentic
as dick van dyke s

they is all falling out
like confetti they is

i have no idea why the funny voice
he also says
this is perfectly normal
for a puppy my age
and when i get my new teeth
i ll have more of them
all the better to kill frogs
in the meantime
it s made it much more difficult
for me to chew the stinky bone
that master gave me
to cheer me up

on sunday my master
took me to the vet
when i arrived
there was a pretty cloth mat
on the floor
so i went over and weed on it
my master was very embarrassed
it wasn t my fault
i know i m not allowed to
wee in the house
but nobody told me
i wasn t allowed to
wee at the vets

anyway so little time
so many frogs to kill
i must get back to work

whisky

[555]

earlier today my master Whisky Portrait
wasn t showing me enough attention
how dare he
he was there reading
the sunday newspaper
when he could have been
playing with me
i soon showed him
i bit his big toe
he wasn t too pleased
and spent the next ten minutes
dealing with the blood
rather than being fun
he s such a disappointment

he s also started being mean
when i jump up to say hello
he just turns around
crosses his arms
and walks away
i think he wants to
stop me saying hello
that s not very nice

actually it was
a little bit difficult
to bite him properly
because i ve lost
one of my teeth
master tells me
that s normal for
dogs of my age
but how am i going
to protect him against
the perils of frogs
am i supposed to
gum them to death

i did see there s a book
on my master s bookshelf
called
eat that frog

Eat That Frog cover

maybe i should read it
to get some more tips
on how to deal with
these enemies of society

the good news is that
i m still getting art supplies
for my creative oeuvres
here s my latest paper roll
destined soon
to be something magnificent

Whisky and art supplies

whisky


[554]

“This world is a comedy to those that think,
a tragedy to those that feel –
a solution of why Democritus laughed and Heraclitus wept”
– Horace Walpole, 1769

It’s taken just a few days for the new government to show its true colours.

  1. The government dropped the price of petrol by 8 Baht a litre. Enormous queues formed outside petrol stations, and many places ran dry. The government promptly raised the price again.
  2. The police chief has been forced out of his job, to be replaced by Thaksin’s brother-in-law.
  3. The promise to raise the minimum wage to 300 Baht from January (a major vote winner) has now become “raise the minimum wage to 300 Baht in only seven provinces for the time being”.
  4. The government has admitted that its policy of a minimum starting salary of 15,000 Baht per month for graduates can’t legally be imposed upon the private sector, so will only apply to government workers (if it’s ever actually implemented, that is). I’m not sure where the money will come from to hike the pay of the 346,365 graduate government workers who currently earn less than that.
  5. Two cases of corruption against members of Thaksin’s family have been dropped.  (An independent judiciary?)
  6. The government used its influence to persuade Japan to grant a vista to Thaksin, though as a convicted criminal facing 2 years in prison he wouldn’t normally have been granted one.
  7. The policy to help poor people buy cars (as if the streets of Bangkok weren’t crowded enough already) has been changed so that only tax payers will benefit (and in Thailand the poor – and the very rich – don’t pay taxes).
  8. The “credit cards for taxi drivers and motorcycle taxis” is now to be extended to give credit cards to all the poor so they can pay for fuel. (Or rather, they can run up credit then default, as has happened with similar government schemes in the past.)
  9. The government has appointed about 20 red shirt leaders (i.e. the people responsible for setting fire to Bangkok shopping malls and widespread looting) to government positions, even though they seem rather lacking in qualifications.

The lunatics really do seem to have taken over the asylum.

[553]

29. August 2011 · 1 comment · Categories: Whisky

I rather suspect the medical profession – and particularly psychiatrists – are in the business of inventing new conditions to keep themselves in their lucrative business. It all started with dyslexia. When I was young it was called “poor at reading and writing”. Then there was dyspraxia aka clumsy. After that we got ADHD (stupid), OCD (neurotic), ODD (naughty), Asperger’s (lacking social skills) &c. &c.. However, recent experience with Whisky has led me to believe that ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) is a real condition – at least in dogs. Let me explain…

Whisky is a smart dog. He knows full well that he’s not allowed on the sofa, and during the day it’s not an issue. But every evening after I’ve eaten dinner and sat down to watch TV he’ll jump up on the sofa next to me, only to be pushed off, not once, but time and time again. I’ll tap him to show my disapproval. I’ll rattle my can of coins. I’ll raise my voice. But still he climbs on the sofa. I’ll exile him to the garden, and just as soon as he gets back in (there’s only so much scratching at the front door and whining that I can take), he’ll jump right back. Such defiance in one so young! Definitive proof of the existence of D-ODD.

I also suspect Whisky may have D-ADHD. He is rather prone to bouts of extreme hyperactivity. He’ll bound in from the garden, scattering the decorative pebbles by the front door under his paws and slipping on the mat on the way, only to turn round and run out, slipping on the mat and tumbling down the steps on the way, only to repeat the cycle a dozen times. Other times he’ll chase crazily around the coffee table, leaving me fearing for my furniture and ornaments. It’s at times like this I think about swapping him for a cat.

***

When Whisky is going through one of his phases I sometimes refer to him as “devildog” – an accurate and fair reflection of his demeanour. I was however, rather surprised to capture photographic proof of his satanic nature:

Whisky, devil dog

Isn’t having a tongue too large to fit into your mouth also a sign of demonic possession?

Whisky's oversized tongue

Oh Whisky! Truly you are a son of Lucifer.

[552]

i saw a picture in the newspaper Whisky Portrait
of some dogs going on holiday
they don t look very comfortable
i guess that s what happens
when you travel economy class

they were on their way to vietnam

Dog heading to Vietnam

master says
the people of the travel company
should be strung up
for what they did
i don t know why
but then
he also says the same thing
about michael o leary

i think the dogs
were really lucky
and the travel company
really kind
because the holiday was free

apparently they drove around the streets
picking up any dogs they saw
family pets and street dogs alike

my master said
they really like dog in vietnam
and muttered something about
they ll be a tasty treat
silly master
he said be instead of get

funny though
you usually don t get food
when you travel budget class

[551]