Postcards from Thailand

judging by the website
lots of people toasted me with
the drink created in my honour
by the scots

it s a bit funny though
that the website doesn t have any pictures
of me or of my art

perhaps i should send them some
for next year s celebration.

***

master has put up a fence
to keep me away
from the baby birds

Bird Fench

i think he s afraid they might attack me
silly master
i m not afraid of frogs
and i m not afraid of baby birds
let them bring it on i say

whisky

Puppé bowl

i think he must have stolen it

it s got the name of another dog on it

puppe'

and a picture of the owner

at first i though puppe' sounded french
because of the accent on the last letter
so i was on the lookout for a french poodle
that looked like the picture

then the thought struck me
does pomeranian use accents
could it be a pomeranian s bowl

stupid thought
what with all their incessant mindless barking
it s clear that pomeranians are
just too plain stupid to read and write

after all
have you ever seen a pomeranian s blog
on the internet

preposterous thought

i ll just keep looking out for
the french poodle called puppe'
to give the bowl back to

how was i supposed to know
that s what a monk looks like

***

as you all know
i m a bit of a gay icon
thanks to my incredibly good looks
i even have my own gay stalker
he still comes around
from time to time
to gaze longingly
at my fine masculine physique

i appreciate the loyalty of my fans
i was therefore disturbed
to learn recently that
a dog is going to be executed
for being gay

actually
the newspaper didn t use the word
executed

it said put down

put down
murdered
assassinated
put to death
bumped off
dispatched
slain
executed

they all have the same end result

it seemed particularly unfair
because they don t put down humans
for loving somebody with
the same shaped naughty bits

oh

master tells me that
in countries such as sudan
mauritania nigeria somaliland
saudi arabia united arab emirates
yemen and iran
they do kill you for that

and in lots of other countries
they send you to a crate for
a very very long time

that s not so good

***

when you spend as many
hours a day asleep as i do
you can become bored
with your sleeping positions
so it s important to try new ones
here s one that i ve been
working on lately

however i rather think
i could take lessons from this chap

he s a real expert

whisky

much to my surprise
there was something interesting
under the shoe cabinet
master had a quick look
but didn t notice anything unusual
and went back inside
should have worn his glasses
there was a snake
all twisted up under there

it wasn t like the
long green water snake
that helps master wash the car
this one was much shorter
a little less than half a metre
and very thin
and it wasn t green but dark coloured

i thought it might be fun
to play with the snake
but it wasn t very interested
in fact it quickly slithered
under the car
i kept trying to encourage it
to come and have some fun
by poking my nose under the car
no dice

then master came out
he was very upset
i think he really wanted
to play with the snake himself
he shouted at me to go in
but why should I
i saw the snake first

then he got the broom
and pushed me away
that was so unfair
and then after that
he didn t even
play with the snake

selfish master

***

master says i m very willful
and why shouldn t i be

when he tells me to sit
does he think i like
to put my bottom
on the cold floor

and anyway its fun
winding him up
by pretending not to
understand what he says

yesterday he wanted
to tie me up whilst
he took the car out
but i was chewing
a dried up old stem of strelitzia

oh that sweet sweet strelitzia

anyway every time he got close
i ran away

it was quite funny
to see master lumbering around
trying to catch me
his face getting redder
and redder

in the end i compromised
before master had a heart attack
i trotted to the front door
carrying my prized strelitzia stem
sat down and let him tie me up

unfortunately there s almost
no strelitzia left now
i don t know what i ll do
when its all gone

whisky

and it looks like a snake

anyway
first master squeezed the snake
so that the water fell into a bucket
and became all frothy and delicious
i love licking up
the white foamy stuff
both from the bucket
and from the floor
when it spills over

even better is the sponge
which master puts in the bucket

when his back is turned
i snatch it from the bucket
and run away with it
but every time he chases after me
not fair
why should master have the sponge
and not me

master also makes the
long green water snake
squirt water all over his car
i don t know why he does this
i love sniffing the wheel arches
for the delicious aromas
of all the dead things
he s run over

perhaps he does it
because the wheel arch is full
and he needs to make space
for more tasty smells

***

i love stinky things

so does master

he loves blue cheese
and anchovies
and so do i

but for some reason
master doesn t like stinky bones

perhaps that s why he gives me
all of them

anyway
he gave me an extra large
stinky bone for new year

but whilst he s allowed
to eat his stinky food inside the house
he gets most upset
when i try to bring
a stinky bone in
for him to share

***

dragged master past the house
with five pomeranians yesterday
only to be horrified to see
that now there are six of them

what s going on

i just hope it s
a pomeranian deportation centre
far too many of them here already

***

and speaking of pomeranians
there s a particularly mad
white one that lives on the corner

there s a gap in the fence
which has been covered with
a sheet of plastic to stop its fleeing

every time i go past
i heard the sound of its skull
bashing against the plastic

it s rather a hollow sound

anyway this time
the plastic had slipped
and the pomeranian escaped
albeit whilst half ripping off
its stupid looking jacket
it stood there
a few metres away from me
half clad
barking senselessly

can a pomeranian bark any other way

i wanted to go over there
and give it a little bit
of friendly advice
such as

that tartan really isn t your colour

and

you really should do up those buttons
might catch a cold

and

wouldn t you be happier
back in pomerania

but for some reason
master wouldn t let me
and thought we should go
and sniff some doggy poo
on some nearby grass

well if that s what master wants
i m game

but to begin at the beginning

it all started four weeks ago
master disappeared
i was very worried
i thought the frogs might have got him
i always thought it wasn t safe
for master to go out alone
with so many dangerous frogs around

after a few days
i assumed the worst
that he was dead

imagine my surprise then
when he reappeared
earlier this week

at least
it looked like him
albeit a few pounds heavier
and smelled like him
that unmistakable mix
of sweat and desperation

of course
i couldn't be sure

perhaps the frogs had
hollowed out his body
and were using his skin
as a sort of trojan horse

i did try to act natural
and wagged my tail a bit
to fool any trojan frogs
but i was wary

i kept close watch on master
for the rest of the day

to be honest i was wary
about turning my back on him
lest the trojan frogs
burst out and attack
but when it came to bed time
i decided to give him a test

i rolled over onto my back
to let him rub my tummy
aah yes
nobody gives tummy rubs
quite like master
it had to be he

it seems that master
went on holiday to england

he d brought me
some beef and venison snacks
as a present

frankly i m a little bit disappointed
yes i ve heard of
the roast beef of old england
but i d have preferred
something more interesting
such as fish and chip snacks
or something with a royal connection

i understand that
the queen of england likes corgis
so some spit roasted corgi flavour treats
would have been far better

still i can t be too mad at master
it s nice to have him home again

***

sometimes things happen
that are so horrifying
that in a nicer world
they d only happen in
one s worst doggy dreams

yesterday evening i was
taking master for a drag
when i passed a house
with a couple of cars
parked in the drive
suddenly from between the cars
emerged a pomeranian
i was disturbed because
i d never seen a pomeranian
at that house before

then a second one emerged

and a third

in all there were five of them
each loudly yapping and snapping
baring its teeth

only in one s worst nightmares
should such a thing be even possible

whisky

to be honest
i don t understand why
prisoner ben has been
in his crate for so long
he had an accident
when he was a puppy
a long time ago
but i also had accidents
when i was a puppy
i poo d on the staircase
but master didn t put me
in my crate
he just cleaned up the mess
and kept a closer eye on me
wouldn t it have been better
if that s what had happened
to prison ben

whisky

hose pipe connectors are green
which i think means they re
frog flavoured
not that they taste like
real frog to me
probably made with
artifical frog flavouring
essence de grenouille

these new snacks come
in all sorts of flavours
here are some i chewed earlier

irresistibly good

***

a few days ago
master had opened the door
slightly to let me go out
something distracted me
and i turned my head
and hit my head hard
on the metal shoe cabinet
by the door
master wasn t sympathetic
he said i should be more careful
to preserve
what little brains i have
anyway
it made a loud bang
at the time
one of master s friends
was peeing in the downstairs toilet
he was startled
and peed all over his leg
i thought that was very funny
because i often do that
you see
it s very difficult
to pee straight
when you re standing on three legs
with one leg cocked in the air
to be honest
i have absolutely no idea
how master manages to pee
without spraying everywhere
standing on just two legs

whisky