Postcards from Thailand

he s been stealing my poo
and selling it to tanyards
for a shilling a pail
so they can make
leather book bindings
and gloves

where s my cut
after all i do all the hard work
squeezing it out

well i ve had enough
i m going to
cut out the middle man
i m going to
find myself a bucket
and poo in it
then i ll pick it up
by the handle and
trot to the tanyard

anyone know where the nearest tanyard is

whisky

it all started yesterday
during my afternoon constitutional

i met a miniature poodle in the street
we exchanged the usual pleasantries
we rubbed noses a bit
then i sniffed his bottom
and he sniffed mine

i think he must have misunderstood
my civilities or perhaps
was thrown by my rakish good looks

a little later the love besotted creature
turned up in my garden
he d squeezed in through the railings

master realised i was being hounded
by the rogue hound
so he picked him up and
he peed on him
that is to say
the poodle peed though i d
have been more impressed if master
had peed on the poodle

anyway
master phoned security
it seems this crazy canine is notorious
for roaming the streets

unfortunately the dog s master
wasn t at home
so i had to go to sleep
by the front door
with my psycho stalker
on the other side
images of jack nicholson
in the shining
haunted my doggy dreams

and when i work this morning
the deranged dog
was still there

i guess i now know how
jodie foster felt

it s not my fault
i thought i saw a frog in there

anyway he still loves me
and brings me tasty treats

this is what they look like
after i ve chewed them.

delicious

whisky

the dog that lays the golden poos

funny thing is though
that they don t look
very shiny
i guess master must spend
a lot of time polishing them
when i m not looking

whisky

in india
most of the people are hindoos
that means they revere
lots of animals such as
cows
monkeys
a bull
a crocodile
rats
and snakes

some people worship frogs
but that s just sick

i think i see a career opportunity
they don t worship dogs yet
i think i ll become their new god
there is a problem though
all the best hindu gods
have names ending in -a
such as shiv-a
krishn-a
durg-a
ram-a
brahm-a
ganesh-a
durg-a
indr-a
and sury-a

in future i shall be known
to my hindoo devotees
as whisky-a.

apparently they have
mechanical frogs in india too
but they look rather different

whisky

shocking

apparently the proper name
for a pyramid of mechanical frogs
is a christmas tree
and frogs make a lot of them
at this time of year
be on your guard

it s been a difficult week for me
a few days ago
i was taking my master out
for our regular preprandial drag

master s way too old and slow
to keep up with me

and i saw what my master calls
the ugly dog
on the opposite side of the road
normally i just keep walking
and he ignores me
this time he ran across the road
and attacked
it can t be anything i barked
i didn t say a thing
he s bigger than me
and older
i think he must envy
my youthful good looks
anyway some workmen came
and one threw his sandals
at the ugly dog and
ugly dog backed off
which was a pity because
i was about to use
one of my killer moves
that i use to deal with frogs
fortunately yours truly
wasn t badly hurt
just a small cut on my nose

i was in the kitchen
watching master shred a
breast of chicken poached
in coconut cream
when he dropped half of it
on the floor
right in front of me
i thought it a little odd
since i d already had my whiskyfood
however it would have been rude
not to wolf it down
and it was delicious
unfortunately it wasn t meant for me
master had dropped it by accident
because it was very slippery
he was very cross
now i m banned from the kitchen
so i just sit at the threshold
watching master make food
putting on my most doleful expression
if only i d been born a bloodhound
i could do a much better job

master tells me that he s
going away to india
in a couple of days
so i ll probably be too busy
to write again soon
so i ll wish you all now
a merry christmas
and a happy new year

whisky

anyway
i pounded against the front door
until master let me in
and was confronted with this monstrosity

it s got lots of lights
and it s green

it s a pyramid of mechanical frogs

those dastardly frogs
snuck into the house
and built it whilst
i was happily digging a hole
is there no limit to their duplicity

i for one
will be keeping my distance
from this tower of terror

whisky

next i searched the house
and garden for frogs
i reckon they must have
heard master taking
my bucket off
and hopped and hid
i couldn t find any
that said
i couldn t search upstairs
i think i used to be able
to climb the stairs
but now i ve forgotten how
that also meant i couldn t
go upstairs in the
middle of the night
to wake up master
to check that he was ok
i m sure master was
really disappointed about that

when i was wearing the bucket
i couldn t do any gardening
silly master has forgotten
how important it is
to have lots of shoe trees
in fact
he filled in all
the special holes i dug
in the grass to plant shoes
never mind
i spent some time
this morning getting rid of
the soil he put in the holes
so i can plant his shoes
nice and deeply once more

well
it s time to lick
my genitals again
so i ll sign off now

any man who lays his hand
on my collar to control me
is an usurper and tyrant
and i declare him my enemy

but let me go back to the beginning

it all started on saturday morning
silly master forgot to feed me
so i went out and killed
a baby sparrow
master saw what i d done
and wouldn t let me eat it
he s so mean sometimes
anyway i forgave him
when he told me
we were going to go
for a car ride

the ride was fun
i like sticking my head
out of the window and
watching the world pass by
but when we got to our destination
i was less happy
it was the vet
that nasty person was going
to stick needles in me again
i just knew it

anyway despite my best efforts
to get away
they caught me and stuck me
suddenly i began to feel
rather strange
i felt rather sick
master held a bucket under my head
but i still managed to
vomit on the floor
after all a dog is supposed
to return to its own vomit
i read that in the bible
if i d vomitted in the bucket
i bet mean master
would have taken it away

then i fell asleep

when i woke up i felt terrible
all groggy
and somehow i felt rather lighter
down there
i thought it was an urban legend
that people got drugged
and woke up in a bathtub
with both of their kidneys missing
but something like that
has happened to me
i should report it to a police dog
but thai police dogs
sometimes won t do anything
unless you bribe them with
a stinky bone or something

despite not having had breakfast
i really didn t feel much like eating
though master cooked me all my favourites
chicken
mussels
and
beef

in fact
with a bucket on your head
eating isn t easy

apparently i m going to
have to wear this bucket
for more than a week
i do hope master
is going to carry on
giving me special food
for all this time though

because the bucket is so big
i can t get into my crate
so i have to sleep on the floor
i d really like to go upstairs
in the middle of the night
to check that master is ok
and make sure that no frogs
have crept into the house
but i can t get up the stairs
with this bucket on my head

frogs
you may be safe for now
but once the bucket comes off
beware

i ve discovered there s something
more dangerous than frogs
it s polycarbonate sheeting
master brought home
a couple of large sheets
as he was releasing the tape
holding them in a large roll
there was an enormous bang
as they broke free and attacked him
well i wasn t going to hang around
and be killed by psychopathic
polycarbonate sheets
i ran down the road
as fast as i could
i know they call me whisky the fearless
but i know when something s
out of my league

that was about a week ago
i still view the sheets with suspicion
though now they re taped down
over windows and doors
so can't escape

my master is really rather forgetful
yesterday he cooked two chicken breasts
and give me a piece to eat
silly master then forgot
to give me the rest of the meat
never mind
i later jumped up at the kitchen counter
and helped myself
i didn t want to bother master
master looked very upset
when he saw me eating the chicken
and realised he d forgotten to give it to me

that s all for now
i just need to go and
check on the polycarbonate
to make sure it hasn t escaped

whisky