here s a picture of a shoe i ve just planted.
after all a dog can never have to many shoe trees
whisky
[565]
my master has been cheating on me
seeing another dog behind my back
it all started a few days ago
when my master saw a dog
living at the side of the road
it was raining
and the dog was just standing there
no shelter
soaking wet
that s when master decided to betray me
a couple of days later
it was raining again
as master was passing
and master stopped and
gave the dog some of my food
what was he thinking
and now he keeps
a bag of dog food
or whisky food as i call it
in the car
he thinks i don t know
but i do
anyway
yesterday i went to the vet
and had a great time
running around
sniffing people
jumping on the sofa
but things started to go bad
when master picked me up
and put me on the scales
20 kg
oh those stinky bones
a moment on your lips
a lifetime on your hips
then things got worse
when my master held me very tightly
and an evil woman
stuck a needle in me
i m not a pincushion you know
things hit rock bottom when
on the way back home
my master slowed the car
and then i saw her
the whore who s taken
both my master s heart
and my whisky food
but she was with someone else
a passing workman was giving her
some of his bag of rice to eat
master drove on
so i told master she s a shallow tramp
not worthy of his affection
or my whisky food
but can master be faithful only to me
Whisky
[563]
sometimes i even surprise myself
i m such a great artist that
i don t even need to try
to create something spectacular
yesterday i was busy
digging a hole in the lawn
i needed to bury another shoe
to make a second shoe tree
the first one isn t
growing too well
you can t have too many shoe trees
you know
and then i looked behind me
and realised i d created
an amazing work of art
on the front wall
look at the subtle tones
of this oeuvre
the spatial placement
the emotional resonance
truly this is another great piece
by yours truly
i know what you re thinking
jackson pollock
in fact
when my master saw what i d done
he said something that sounded like pollocks
though i don t think
he got the first letter right
whisky
[559]
my master told me that
if i ever hear anybody say
would you like to see some puppies
i should bite him really hard
because he must be a really bad man
i don t think that s always true
my master told me about prisoner ben
he s very much like me
he has a blog
and he did something bad
so he was sent to his crate
he accidentally killed another puppy
when he was 14
he s now been in his crate
for more then 30 years
when i m bad
my master is sometimes mean to me
for a few minutes
but never ever for 30 years
i think ben is a good man
he loves dogs
recently he was asked
if he d like to leave his crate
and play with some puppies
he was thrilled
afterwards he wrote
playing with a few dogs
is hardly a headline in life
except the strange and empty world
that is prison
not having played with a dog
for 3 decades
i d somehow overlooked
the toothy prospects of
2 springer spaniel puppies
when a tennis ball is
dangled before them
don t be misled
by the floppy ears and sad eyes
they can shift
- and don t let fingers
get between them and the ball
i spent about an hour
with them and a big labrador puppy
and they did run me ragged
they also gave me
a chance to step out of prison
to do something normal
such times are rare
and to be held on to
ben s also pretty smart
because he lives in a crate
he can t make great art like me
or do gardening
i don t think he s ever even killed a frog
but he has done a bachelors
and a masters degree
from inside his crate and
he d almost finished his phd
before the crate authorities
took away his word processor
people are sometimes very mean to dogs
and sometimes they re very mean to other people
ben may be a fully paid up
member of the awkward squad
but then sometimes i m a little difficult
perhaps the crate keepers can explain
why a man who hasn t committed
a violent act
since he was 14
is still in his crate
more than 20 years
after his original tariff expired
perhaps the crate keepers can explain
why they spend so much money
on dog food and blankets for him
when he could be
living on the streets
looking after himself
perhaps the crate keepers can explain
why they haven t freed ben gunn.
free ben gunn
whisky
[558]
i m trying to grow a new shoe tree
do you think i planted it deep enough
and here s my latest work of art
i call it
still life with dead frog
whisky
[557]
master was gardening this morning
i was rather annoyed
gardening is my hobby
not his
i tried to help though
i grabbed the weeds
he d pulled up
and bits of hedge
he d chopped off
and ran to the other side
of the garden with them
he so appreciated my help
that he swept up all the dead leaves
into a pile
so i could roll around
on my back on them
master didn t spend very long gardening
he never does
he says it s too hot
some people say
if you can t stand the heat
stay out of the kitchen
well i say if
you can t stand the heat
stay out of my garden
and thinking of kitchens
i don t know why my master
keeps the kitchen door shut
the work surfaces won t
lick themselves you know
and if i don t lick them
who will
as an artist
i always push myself creatively
some lesser artists
have stuck to the same medium
throughout their career
van goch did nothing but
daub oil paint on canvas
for his entire career
bernini just chipped away
at blocks of marble
i however have advanced
from paper towels to newspaper
look at my latest work
it produces a profound emotional response
in all who see it
master was almost reduced to tears
rarely has the world seen a talent like mine
whisky
[556]
i found this in the house yesterday
i not sure exactly what it is
but i think it s a mechanical frog
those dastardly frogs are evil geniuses
i ve never had to kill
a mechanical frog before
i really wasn t sure how to go about it
at first i was very cautious
assessing the situation
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWoXaYnPQl8]
then i went into attack mode
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONscIbayg4k]
unfortunately
the frog is still undead
my mission to free the world of frogs
even mechanical ones
continues
to be honest
i ve not been feeling
too good recently
my teeth keep on falling out
master says
with a cockney accent
almost as authentic
as dick van dyke s
they is all falling out
like confetti they is
i have no idea why the funny voice
he also says
this is perfectly normal
for a puppy my age
and when i get my new teeth
i ll have more of them
all the better to kill frogs
in the meantime
it s made it much more difficult
for me to chew the stinky bone
that master gave me
to cheer me up
on sunday my master
took me to the vet
when i arrived
there was a pretty cloth mat
on the floor
so i went over and weed on it
my master was very embarrassed
it wasn t my fault
i know i m not allowed to
wee in the house
but nobody told me
i wasn t allowed to
wee at the vets
anyway so little time
so many frogs to kill
i must get back to work
whisky
[555]
earlier today my master
wasn t showing me enough attention
how dare he
he was there reading
the sunday newspaper
when he could have been
playing with me
i soon showed him
i bit his big toe
he wasn t too pleased
and spent the next ten minutes
dealing with the blood
rather than being fun
he s such a disappointment
he s also started being mean
when i jump up to say hello
he just turns around
crosses his arms
and walks away
i think he wants to
stop me saying hello
that s not very nice
actually it was
a little bit difficult
to bite him properly
because i ve lost
one of my teeth
master tells me
that s normal for
dogs of my age
but how am i going
to protect him against
the perils of frogs
am i supposed to
gum them to death
i did see there s a book
on my master s bookshelf
called
eat that frog
maybe i should read it
to get some more tips
on how to deal with
these enemies of society
the good news is that
i m still getting art supplies
for my creative oeuvres
here s my latest paper roll
destined soon
to be something magnificent
whisky
[554]
I rather suspect the medical profession – and particularly psychiatrists – are in the business of inventing new conditions to keep themselves in their lucrative business. It all started with dyslexia. When I was young it was called “poor at reading and writing”. Then there was dyspraxia aka clumsy. After that we got ADHD (stupid), OCD (neurotic), ODD (naughty), Asperger’s (lacking social skills) &c. &c.. However, recent experience with Whisky has led me to believe that ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) is a real condition – at least in dogs. Let me explain…
Whisky is a smart dog. He knows full well that he’s not allowed on the sofa, and during the day it’s not an issue. But every evening after I’ve eaten dinner and sat down to watch TV he’ll jump up on the sofa next to me, only to be pushed off, not once, but time and time again. I’ll tap him to show my disapproval. I’ll rattle my can of coins. I’ll raise my voice. But still he climbs on the sofa. I’ll exile him to the garden, and just as soon as he gets back in (there’s only so much scratching at the front door and whining that I can take), he’ll jump right back. Such defiance in one so young! Definitive proof of the existence of D-ODD.
I also suspect Whisky may have D-ADHD. He is rather prone to bouts of extreme hyperactivity. He’ll bound in from the garden, scattering the decorative pebbles by the front door under his paws and slipping on the mat on the way, only to turn round and run out, slipping on the mat and tumbling down the steps on the way, only to repeat the cycle a dozen times. Other times he’ll chase crazily around the coffee table, leaving me fearing for my furniture and ornaments. It’s at times like this I think about swapping him for a cat.
***
When Whisky is going through one of his phases I sometimes refer to him as “devildog” – an accurate and fair reflection of his demeanour. I was however, rather surprised to capture photographic proof of his satanic nature:
Isn’t having a tongue too large to fit into your mouth also a sign of demonic possession?
Oh Whisky! Truly you are a son of Lucifer.
[552]
i saw a picture in the newspaper
of some dogs going on holiday
they don t look very comfortable
i guess that s what happens
when you travel economy class
they were on their way to vietnam
master says
the people of the travel company
should be strung up
for what they did
i don t know why
but then
he also says the same thing
about michael o leary
i think the dogs
were really lucky
and the travel company
really kind
because the holiday was free
apparently they drove around the streets
picking up any dogs they saw
family pets and street dogs alike
my master said
they really like dog in vietnam
and muttered something about
they ll be a tasty treat
silly master
he said be instead of get
funny though
you usually don t get food
when you travel budget class
[551]
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