Postcards from Thailand

sloth is my speciality
i can lie around for
hours doing nothing
and often do

gluttony i m excellent at too
i love my chicken and pork and duck
and egg and bones to chew on

i can do wrath
sometimes when i see a workman outside
i bark at him until my master comes
and says shhhh and holds my mouth closed
if he d let me i d bark a lot more

greed well you can never have
too many frogs to kill
funnily enough this morning
i was taking my early morning constitutional
when a frog jumped out of the bushes
he startled me
otherwise i wouldn t have
let him get away

pride
really
when you re as good looking as me
you re bound to be full of pride
just look at the picture

envy well i envy dogs that
have more frogs than me
i bet really rich people
have whole rooms
just full of frogs
to chew to death

the only sin i didn t understand
was lust but my master says
i shouldn t worry about that one
and muttered something about
a visit to the vet

anyway 6 out of 7 sins
is pretty good don t you think

yesterday i was playing with my master
in the garden
i was teaching him how to
kill the frog by throwing it
he didn t do a very good job
at one point the frog ended up
over the wall in the next door garden
he says there was a sudden gust of wind
right like i m falling for that old story
i wasn t born yesterday
it was rather piquant though
seeing him trot around to the neighbours
and come back bearing a lime and orange frog
with the stuffing falling out of it
whilst the building workers looked on

today i finally managed to kill the frog
it s a tough job but someone has to do it
there were frog innards
all over the place
of course i tried to deny it was me
but my master had the evidence

guilty
moi

half way down the stairs
there s a stair where i shit

unlike frogs staircases i love
the bottom step is particularly tasty
i think my master wants to keep it for himself
he s always tells me to stop
when he sees me chewing it
it has taken me days of
surreptitious biting
to make much of a dent in it though

anyway i ve been awake for
almost an hour
so it s time for me to go for a lie down

last weekend he took me to get a shower
i really didn t enjoy the experience at all
it started badly with a lady
putting a muzzle on me
i thought one of the pleasures
of going to a beauty salon was
to chat with the person washing your hair
it got worse after that
i mean i ve spent days
rolling around in the dirt
trying to smell good for the ladies
and now i smell like cheap perfume
and they didn t let me shake the water off
like a proper dog
no i had to be blow dried
the noise from the machine was terrible
my master thought i was trembling out of terror
no it was out of rage and indignation honestly
i don t think i ll be going back there again

i ve decided that im going to sleep downstairs
in my crate
i just couldn t abide my master s snoring
how was i supposed to think
with that racket going on
as i padded around the bedroom
in the middle of the night
looking for something nice to chew
i made sure i woke him up
when the noise got too bad
i m sure that snoring can t be good for you
so i was doing him a favour

i really love my master
but sometimes he can be so ungrateful
a couple of days ago i found
this really nice dead plant
in the garden
so i pulled it from the ground roots and all
and brought it inside to give to him as a present
it left a pretty trail of dirt
all across the sitting room floor
and there was still some dirt left
for when i dragged it up onto the sofa
now i know im not usually allowed on the sofa
but this was a special occasion
i was giving my master a beautiful weed
i don t think my master appreciated my gift
he threw it out and swept up all the soil
he even washed the sofa cushion covers
what an ingrate

anyway it s been five minutes
since my last snooze and all this
one pawed typing is tiring
so i m off for a nice long lie down