i think my master might be a witchWhisky Portrait
i m scared he s going to eat me

last night he told me a story
about hansel and gretel

it s a story about children
who found a house made of candy
who were then kept in a cage
and fattened up by an evil witch
so they could be eaten

well i m kept in a cage
and my house is delicious

the stairs are really tasty

and the concrete skirting boards
aren t bad too

Gnawed skirting board

as for the fattening up
the vet tells me i ve put on
almost 2 kg in the last fortnight
two weeks ago i was 5.8 kg
and yesterday i was 7.75 kg

the vet also tells me i ll
probably weigh about 25 kg
when i m fully grown

let me see
2 kg a fortnight
by the end of the year
i should be fully grown
by then the frogs won t
stand a chance
that is if my master
hasn t eaten me by then

whisky

[535]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yynyw4Ss4D4]

[534]

my master has been telling meWhisky Portrait
about the seven deadly sins
i think i m very good at them

sloth is my speciality
i can lie around for
hours doing nothing
and often do

gluttony i m excellent at too
i love my chicken and pork and duck
and egg and bones to chew on

i can do wrath
sometimes when i see a workman outside
i bark at him until my master comes
and says shhhh and holds my mouth closed
if he d let me i d bark a lot more

greed well you can never have
too many frogs to kill
funnily enough this morning
i was taking my early morning constitutional
when a frog jumped out of the bushes
he startled me
otherwise i wouldn t have
let him get away

pride
really
when you re as good looking as me
you re bound to be full of pride
just look at the picture

envy well i envy dogs that
have more frogs than me
i bet really rich people
have whole rooms
just full of frogs
to chew to death

the only sin i didn t understand
was lust but my master says
i shouldn t worry about that one
and muttered something about
a visit to the vet

anyway 6 out of 7 sins
is pretty good don t you think

whisky

[533]

07. July 2011 · 1 comment · Categories: Whisky

a couple of days agoWhisky Portrait
my master had to adjust a strap on my harness
he said it was because i was getting fat
nonsense
i m just big boned
and i do wish he d stop calling me greedy
i just have a healthy appetite
earlier today i was scratching madly at my collar
i think my master must have put it on wrongly
but he said it needed to be let out a notch
because i d put on weight
bastard

yesterday i was playing with my master
in the garden
i was teaching him how to
kill the frog by throwing it
he didn t do a very good job
at one point the frog ended up
over the wall in the next door garden
he says there was a sudden gust of wind
right like i m falling for that old story
i wasn t born yesterday
it was rather piquant though
seeing him trot around to the neighbours
and come back bearing a lime and orange frog
with the stuffing falling out of it
whilst the building workers looked on

today i finally managed to kill the frog
it s a tough job but someone has to do it
there were frog innards
all over the place
of course i tried to deny it was me
but my master had the evidence

Whisky & frog
Whisky & frog
Whisky & frog

guilty
moi

whisky

[532]

Now, I’m not a big fan of democracy. However you try and fiddle with the system – first past the post, single transferable vote, alternative vote plus, additional member – the results will be unsatisfactory because the unwashed masses simply are too poorly educated and/or stupid to make decisions based upon the common good and vote purely in their own selfish interests. It was greed that got Margaret Thatcher, more commonly known as “that evil bitch-monster from hell”, re-elected not once, but twice.

The results of American democracy are even more farcical. Look at recent Republican presidents: Nixon – a crook; Ford – a bumbling incompetent; Reagan – a B-movie actor and buffoon; the first Bush – a blood-thirsty warmonger; the second Bush – an idiot, blood-thirsty warmonger. And now you have the likes of Palin and Bachmann jostling for the White House – ignorant, bigoted morons the pair of them. How could anyone in their right mind consider voting for them? That they are even being considered as candidates makes the USA the laughing stock of the world. And it’s this system of American democracy that Uncle Sam is trying to foist upon the rest of the world!

***

Thai democracy is little more successful. Pheu Thai scored a major victory for the Red Shirts yesterday. As always, people looked to their own self interest rather than to the good of the country. Pheu Thai’s policies are little more than a series of bribes:

  • a free iPad for every student
  • a minimum wage of 300 Baht for all workers (currently it varies by province from 151 to 206 Baht)
  • a 15,000 Baht monthly starting salary guaranteed for all first-time graduate employees (that’s approximately double the current starting salary for a teacher)
  • 20 Baht flat fares on the skytrain and metro
  • cheap apartments along skytrain and metro routes
  • ten new train routes connecting Bangkok to nearby provinces
  • a high speed train link to the north east (where most of Pheu Thai’s supporters hail from) and on to Chiang Mai (another Red Shirt stronghold)
  • help for people with debts of more than 500,000 Baht, including a 3 year repayment freeze
  • the creation of 100,000 new jobs
  • rice mortgages at 20,000 Baht/2,000 litres for Jasmine Rice (way above current market prices) – a little less for other kinds of rice
  • credit cards for all taxi drivers and motorcycle taxis

Others policies stretch credulity to breaking point:

  • illegal drugs eradicated within 12 months
  • building a twin city for Bangkok
  • building a dam around Bangkok to prevent floods

All of this will cost a lot of money, and how all this will be funded is something that Pheu Thai has been curiously quiet about. It’s not going to be from big business, because Pheu Thai has also promised to cut the rate of corporation tax from 30% to 23%.

Of course, Pheu Thai won’t be able to follow through with all its promises, so today’s Shoe cartoon from America seemed particularly apposite:

Cartoon

The only policies you can be 100% sure of are that Thaksin will be given an amnesty and that his confiscated billions will be returned to him.

[531]

04. July 2011 · 1 comment · Categories: Whisky

a new neighbour moved in Whisky Portrait
a few days ago
he s really lowering
the tone of the neighbourhood
his master lets him run loose
on the streets during the day
and he likes to stand at his gate
barking at anything that moves
so uncouth
anyway i was outside
for my early morning toilet
and there he was barking away
i wasn't going to poo
with that racket going on
so i went back inside
and poo d on the staircase
it reminded me of the song
robin the frog
he s kermit s nephew
sings

half way down the stairs
there s a stair where i shit

my master tells me these aren t the real words
but we dogs have very good hearing you know
what do you think

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGFR3zz12p0]

 
actually i hate frogs
my master gave me two
it was really really hard work
biting and shaking one of them
until its stuffing started to fall out
my master helped me to kill one of them
he put it in the washing machine
with my blanket and towel
now it doesn t croak when i bite it
so i m pretty sure it s dead
now i can concentrate on chewing the other one

unlike frogs staircases i love
the bottom step is particularly tasty
i think my master wants to keep it for himself
he s always tells me to stop
when he sees me chewing it
it has taken me days of
surreptitious biting
to make much of a dent in it though

anyway i ve been awake for
almost an hour
so it s time for me to go for a lie down

whisky

[530]

i m beginning to think that my masterWhisky Portrait
really isn t very good at his job
for example
when i exercise him in the garden
by madly running around
he gets tired very quickly
he s also very easily damaged
in fact
because of all my nipping and scratching
he looks as if he could play
the lead role in the sequel to
the passion of christ

last weekend he took me to get a shower
i really didn t enjoy the experience at all
it started badly with a lady
putting a muzzle on me
i thought one of the pleasures
of going to a beauty salon was
to chat with the person washing your hair
it got worse after that
i mean i ve spent days
rolling around in the dirt
trying to smell good for the ladies
and now i smell like cheap perfume
and they didn t let me shake the water off
like a proper dog
no i had to be blow dried
the noise from the machine was terrible
my master thought i was trembling out of terror
no it was out of rage and indignation honestly
i don t think i ll be going back there again

i ve decided that im going to sleep downstairs
in my crate
i just couldn t abide my master s snoring
how was i supposed to think
with that racket going on
as i padded around the bedroom
in the middle of the night
looking for something nice to chew
i made sure i woke him up
when the noise got too bad
i m sure that snoring can t be good for you
so i was doing him a favour

i really love my master
but sometimes he can be so ungrateful
a couple of days ago i found
this really nice dead plant
in the garden
so i pulled it from the ground roots and all
and brought it inside to give to him as a present
it left a pretty trail of dirt
all across the sitting room floor
and there was still some dirt left
for when i dragged it up onto the sofa
now i know im not usually allowed on the sofa
but this was a special occasion
i was giving my master a beautiful weed
i don t think my master appreciated my gift
he threw it out and swept up all the soil
he even washed the sofa cushion covers
what an ingrate

anyway it s been five minutes
since my last snooze and all this
one pawed typing is tiring
so i m off for a nice long lie down

whisky

[529]

Earlier this week it was announced that investors in the Arch Cru funds were to receive compensation for their losses: they’ll eventually get 70% of their money back. Apparently the Fundamentally Supine Authority has OK’d this. What the FSA has blatantly failed to do is point out what went wrong and who was culpable. The most likely explanation appears to be that the funds’ assets were misvalued, either through incompetence or corruption. The fact that there is any compensation being offered certainly suggests that something pretty serious went wrong. Who was the guilty party? What was Capita’s role in all of this? Why is the FSA (reportedly) dismissing complaints against Capita, refusing to investigate them without even considering their merits? And why has it taken the FSA two years to get to this point?

70% eventually back is better than nothing (though this will take several more years to achieve). However, for the widows and orphans who put their entire life savings into the Arch Cru funds because the funds were described as “low-to-medium risk” and classified as “Cautious Managed” by the IMA this is hardly a satisfactory situation. Furthermore, why did Capita allow the funds to acquire assets which clearly did not meet the “Cautious Managed” criteria?

It certainly seems that investors are being paid off to keep quiet so that the guilty party or parties escape without sanction.

***

The SFO has been even more lacklustre in its prosecution of the Weavering Capital Hedge Fund fraud. This was a clear cut case of a hedge fund manager lying about the the nature of the fund’s investments. (The fund’s only transactions were interest rate swaps with a company owned by the fund manager’s father.) This fund went belly-up in March 2009. Since then the apparent lack of progress has been staggering. Equally staggering is the lack of information coming from the SFO. A couple of men were arrested and immediately released in 2009 – and that’s it. By this stage I’d have expected the guilty parties to be behind bars. And to date investors have yet to get back a single penny of the money they entrusted to Weavering. Perhaps they never will.

***

What both these cases make abundantly clear is that financial regulation in the City of London just isn’t working.

[528]

Whisky PortraitI ve just been sitting on the sofa
watching a movie with my master
actually
he only thinks he s my master
after all who prepares all my meals
and who goes around picking up my poop
i reckon i m the master in this relationship
anyway i digress
back to the movie
it was called dylan dog dead of night
what a swizz
it was all about zombies and werewolves
not a single dog in it
i felt as cheated as a music lover
going to see the beethoven movies
never mind my master tells me
there are lots of other movies about dogs
dog soldiers
wag the dog
reservoir dogs,
dog day afternoon
my life as a dog
dog days of summer
and of course
slumdog millionaire
there s even a thai movie citizen dog
but in my language we call it maa nakorn
and i m really looking forward to watching
dog the bounty hunter on tv
life is good

whisky

[527]

A few years ago I was staying in an upmarket hotel in Bangkok, The Davis. In the morning, at breakfast, I was rather surprised by the very large number of fat, balding, ugly westerners accompanied by their by-the-hour girlfriends. I later discovered that the hotel was owned by Chuwit Kamolvisit (ชูวิทย์ กมลวิศิษฎ์), a brothel owner.

As a young man Chuwit studied for an MBA at an American university. He applied what he’d learnt there to his chosen business line: selling sex. He built luxurious “massage parlours” with added facilities such as karaoke rooms and bars and charged a higher than normal price for the services of his working girls. He also marketed his business’ services very effectively with large posters featuring attractive blondes. His MBA paid off, and soon he was Thailand’s largest brothel owner with six establishments engaging around 600 women.

Chuwit and Friends
Chuwit and Friends

Of course, prostitution is illegal in Thailand. However, if you pay the right bribes to the right policemen you don’t generally have a problem. However, in 2003 things started to go wrong for Chuwit. He decided he wanted to redevelop a plot of prime land he owned known as Sukhumwit Square. However, it was already rented out to a collection of bars, shops, a laundry and a travel agent. To solve this problem 600 goons were hired to raze the area. The raid took place very early on a Sunday morning; the tenants hadn’t been notified in advance. Chuwit was arrested. He denied all responsibility and was, after a month, released from jail.

Chuwit was incensed with how he’d been treated, so he released details of the bribes he’d paid to senior policemen whom he named. He claimed he’d forked 200 million Baht over the previous ten years (that’s about £4 million at current exchange rates). He also said that certain top policemen received free sex at his establishments – something confirmed by some of his women.

The police weren’t too happy about the revelations, so they launched a series of raids against his establishments and froze some of his bank accounts. The raids weren’t good for business, and Chuwit promptly sold three of his whorehouses.

In 2006 the three year trial for razing Sukhumwit Square finally concluded. Chuwit was found not guilty, but one of his corporate lawyers was convicted of having paid the goons and sentenced to 8 months in prison.

Rather than press ahead with developing the park, Chuwit had it converted at great expense into a public park which he named after himself, Chuwit Garden. Originally the park was open for 13 hours a day. However, when policemen started lazing around the park during the middle of the day he decided only to open the park for a few hours in the morning and a few hours late afternoon. Now during the middle of the day it’s the private playground of his beloved dog, Motomoto, a white bull terrier.

Chuwit and Motomoto
Chuwit and Friend

Curiously there’s a plaque at the entrance to the park which reads:

“Dedicated to the Lord Jesus Christ
29th August 2005
To God be the glory”

Perhaps Chuwit got his interest in Christianity from his ex-wife, who was American, or maybe from his father, who was Hong Kong Chinese. It’s not known.

Chuwit has long had political ambitions. He’s twice run for Governor of Bangkok, campaigning against police and government corruption, though came third on both occasions. His attempt at office in 2008 probably wasn’t helped when he rather publicly beat up a journalist who’d insulted him.

In 2005 he was elected as an MP, though was subsequently disqualified on the technicality that he hasn’t been a member of his political party for 90 days before the general election.

This year he’s running for parliament again. Unlike the normally bland political posters that clutter the street Chuwit’s are rather characterful. He usually looks angry and frustrated …

Chuwit Poster

… or possibly badly constipated.

Chuwit and steering wheel poster
Not left, not right.  Straight ahead.

He often uses props such as a steering wheel (above), samurai sword, gun, axe, or (as below) a baby:

Chuwit and baby poster
Vote for Chuvit. Politics is like nappies: the more often you change them, the better things get.

Anyway, ever in search of publicity Chuwit, decided to join the planking craze. Here he is a few days ago in Sri Racha on the campaign trail:

Chuwit planking

In what is a rather bland election campaign Chuwit Kamolvisit does rather stand out.

[525]