Postcards from Thailand

***

master thinks he s quite clever
but there are a lot of things
he doesn t understand
for example he doesn t understand
why when he comes home
i have to pick up one of his sandals
run around a bit
and then drop it

and he doesn t understand why
i like to nose my way
through his laundry basket
and pick out a sock
which i ll carry around for a bit
in my mouth

he also doesn t understand why
i like to lick the chrome legs of his desk

he s also clueless as to why
i like to pick up one of his sandals
in my jaw
shake it vigorously for a few seconds
then toss it away

then he has no idea why
i like to grab sponges
from the kitchen worktop
or from the bucket
as he washes the car
and chew them to bits

he s also in the dark about why
i like to chew the wallpaper
off the wall

and he doesn t know why
i like to lick soap bubbles

and he doesn t know why
i love to chew hosepipe connectors

silly master

totally clueless

the curious incident of
the frog in the night time

it was late at night
i d already taken master for a drag
and he d fed me my whiskyfood
master had taken away my whiskybowls
and we were ready to retire
then i heard a strange noise outside
of course master didn t hear it
he s probably going deaf in his old age
i went to the door and stood there
thinking that master would notice
he did
but he pretended not to
then i started scratching at the door
master still ignored me
next i started barking
that got master s attention
master drew back the curtain
and looked out of the window
but still couldn t see
what the problem was
so he opened the door
i pushed past him
and quickly identified
that the problem was next door
pocky and the other two dogs that live with her
were clustered by their front gate
there was a strange mewing sound
that master thought was a kitten in distress
thinking that the next door dogs
had cornered a kitten
and were about to rip it to shreds
master tied me up
and went to have a closer look
what he found wasn t a kitten
but a small frog about 10 cm long
it was outside the gate
and just beyond pocky s reach
i dont think pocky knew what
terrible danger she was in
not all dogs have what it takes
to be a top frog killer like me
master then did something
either incredibly brave or incredibly foolish

he tapped the frog with his foot

it then hopped off into the bushes
he really should have come back
and got me
I m the expert in dealing with frogs
so anyway that s a new one on me
frogs pretending to be kittens in distress
to lure their prey
master had a lucky escape

***

while all this was happening
the new dog opposite was looking on
it s a golden retriever called het hom
het hom is thai for smelly mushroom
that s almost as ludicrous a name
for a dog as pocky
i don t like foetid fungus very much
he or she
i cant tell because of all that fur
has moved onto my patch
and sometimes is let out to poo
on my pavement

when i get a chance
i like to run across the road
and try to bite stinky shitakes muzzle
master doesn t approve of my doing this
for some reason
but then neither does putrid porcini
or his mistress
so now master ties me up
whenever he opens the front gate
that s so short sighted
what would happen if he were attacked
by a frog disguised as a kitten
i wouldn t be able to help him

p s master tells me that fragrant mushroom
is a better translation of het hom
and that it s the thai name for shitake
but het hom will always be smelly mushroom to me

whisky

is trying to embarrass me again
by showing my baby photos
not fair
i was a very cute puppy though

not a lot to report really
stayed at the doggy spa again
for a couple of nights
whilst master went away
for a short break
he tells me that he s ordered
a special harness for me
so that i can travel on the
back seat of the car
so next time i can go away
on holiday with master too

just in case you re wondering
the world s greatest living artist
that s me just in case you weren t sure
is still busily creative
here s my latest work

i call it
deconstructed toilet roll on blue towel
magnificent no

my arch enemy of course
is pocky
the whore for whiskytreats
though i do feel a bit
sorry for her
she s younger than me
and seems very sad and lonely
her master never plays with her
and she s never allowed
to take her master
out for a drag
that s probably why
she comes to the fence
whenever master goes outside
and why she likes to lick
my master s hand
when he goes to stroke her

pocky lives with two other dogs
they don t come to the fence
but when i m out for a drag
and walk past their gate
they rush to and fro
which doesn t seem
very friendly to me

a little further down the street
is a miniature hush puppy dog
he s very old
he ll walk slowly to the gate
wagging his tail
with a surprising vigour
we ll rub noses for a bit
and then he ll lift his leg
and pee over the gate
i respond in kind by
peeing over the nearest bush
i think of him as an old friend

i m a bit wary of my gay stalker
i still see him
from time to time
and let him sniff my butt
as i sniff his
i guess i d call him a friend

near the entrance to the moobaan
there s a siberian husky
who i think also might be gay
he wears a decorated collar
with a little bell around his neck
very chi chi
and obviously spends hours
blow drying his fur
to make it particularly bouffant
he s very friendly though
and often moves from
lying in front of his personal fan
to say hello at the front gate

next door is a golden retriever
with what seems to be
a terrible case of oedema
he s so large
he can barely drag himself
to his feet
let alone walk
and he can barely bark
i guess he must feel bad
that he can t protect his master
against the frogs
it s very sad

and in the next house
there are three dogs which
bark and snarl as i pass
frantically trying to force their way
between the bars of the gate
definitely enemies
i just ignore them
there are quite a few
similar dogs around

even worse is the pomeranians
they re everywhere
in fact
i think there are probably
more pomeranians on my patch
than there are in pomerania
the house on the corner
has three of them
and they follow me
from the other side of the fence
the full length of their garden
yapping and baring their teeth

actually a lot of the dogs are foreign
what with the pomeranians from pomerania
the dalmations from croatia
the labradors from canada
the lion dog from china
and there s a little ball of
fuzzy black fluff
so i guess he s probably from africa

i m pretty sure that
they re all illegal immigrants
after all master tells me
hes never seen them signing in
at the immigration department
in fact i might be
the only proper thai dog here

some people think these dogs
who come over here
and steal ours doggie jobs
are in some way high class
well they re wrong
the ones that bark at me
so rudely
obviously don t know
who i am
they don t even recognise
one of the world s greatest living artists
only a lowbrow philistine
wouldn t know about art

i believe elvis presley
sang about dogs like these
which begins

you ain t nothing but a hound dog
barking all the time

it concludes

when they said you was high classed
well that was just a lie
when they said you was high classed
well that was just a lie
well you ain t ever caught a frog
and you ain t no friend of mine

nothing can deter a great artist like me

master really liked my work
in fact when he saw it
he cried out
oh my god
i m just that good

master can be a little insensitive at times
if i hear him say
one more time
just how beautiful pocky is
and just how soft her fur
i think i ll bark
loudly

pocky is one of the neighbour s
siberian huskies
they have two
along with a hushpuppy dog

she s an absolute whore
for whiskytreats
every time master goes outside
she comes to the fence
hoping master will give her
one of my treats
this makes me quite irate

master says i have jealousy issues
but they re called whiskytreats
for a good reason
not pockytreats

when she comes to the fence
i now try to nip her nose

and what sort of a name is pocky
fancy being named after
a japanese crunchy stick
dipped in chocolate
that s not a proper dog s name
far better to be like me
and named after the scots god

whisky

and then a couple of weeks ago
master told me that i was going
to stay in a doggy spa
for a few days
while he went away
i was quite excited
i really enjoyed the car ride
sticking my head out of the window
and drooling everywhere
but when we stopped
i realised i d been conned
he was taking me to the vet again
this time we went into a back room
where there were a couple of other dogs
one was a big old black one
whose back legs were paralysed
and who was incontinent
he d done a big poo on the floor
he was a sorry sight
still he was lucky
he was going back to his master
the next day

i can t say i particularly enjoyed
my stay at the doggy spa
though i did lose a few pounds
around the ribs
and i was fortunate there weren t
any pomeranians staying there

when master came to pick me up
after his trip i got really excited
and whoops i lost control of my bladder
three times in the vet s
and a few more times outside
i didn t know i could make so much wee
now if only my wee
were as valuable as my pure

***

needless to say
i ve had a lot of enquiries about
my latest artistic creations
the world will be pleased to hear that
like picasso before me
i m having a blue period
the box the mosquito repellent
came in was just the right shade
to create another masterpiece
so I recovered it from the wastepaper bin
clearly master doesn t have an eye
for art and had just thrown it away

of course
creating great art is
an emotionally draining experience
so i needed a little lie down
once i d finished.

whisky

of course
i ve never been to america
i really don t like what they do
to you at immigration
i don t mind taking off my collar
but taking my coat off so it can be x rayed
really wouldn t be very nice
and as for a tsa agent
sticking his hand
up my bottom to steal my pure
well that s totally unacceptable
he should wait until i poo
just like master does

funny thing is
earlier this week i was pooing and
my pure was pure white
master tells me it s because of
the stinky bone i d been eating
it was the biggest bone i ve ever seen
i think it must have been a dinosaur bone

the favourite dog competition was stiff

but i hear that that lassie
he s really a bitch

i only learned about my new fame
from watching fox news
the funny thing is
30 minutes of watching
and not a single story about foxes
what a swizz

whisky

here we go gathering poo in may

is one of his favourites
he also sings

p p p pick up a poo poo
a lovely big poo poo
when you pick up a p p p poo poo
there s so much more to enjoy
it s bigger
so delicious
chocolate flavour through and through
when you feel a little p peckish
what s bigger and best for you

and sometimes it s

bringing in the poo
bringing in the poo
we shall come rejoicing
bringing in the poo

who knew there were so
many songs about pure finding

i d taken master out
for his afternoon drag
when i got back home
i saw that one of the neighbours
dogs had escaped
a pale coloured siberian husky
i knew she was all
fur coat and no balls
so i tried to chase her away
but master was holding
my leash too tightly
next thing i knew
master was picking me up
and locking me in the house
i tried to break down
the front door
but it was too strong
master then let the husky play
in the garden
and eat my whiskyfood
whilst i was locked inside

to make matters worse
master kept going on about
what a beautiful dog she is
and what lovely soft fur she has
he knows i m sensitive
about my fur
because it s still
falling out in handfuls
soon i could be as bald as master
that would be terrible
the vet thinks it s because
i ve got a vitamin deficiency
and says i should be fed
royal canin dog food
but master says it s very expensive
and he doesn t understand
how increasing the vet s profits
will cure my condition

anyway the security guard
phoned the neighbours mobile phone
and the family drove back
to collect their dog
but i m not going to
forgive master in a hurry